Sunday, July 31, 2011

August is here.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Those awkward moments

I probably am spending a lot of time at home that when I went out, I experienced a lot of awkward moments. I am starting to fear people.

Joke!

I visited my dentist again today. I had to ask her something about my teeth and she said it was fine. Maybe I am getting paranoid that my teeth would all fall off one day. On my way there, I sat beside this manong inside a trike. His face was really familiar, but I couldn't seem to remember him. I was pretty sure he is related to my family in one way or another, but I really couldn't remember. Then, he started talking with me. Yeah, that awkward moment when you can't reply to the person beside you because you can't remember his name. Dang.

Then I had to withdraw some money so that I can buy a mouse and earphones. The one I bought eleven days ago were already broken. I was in line in the atm when I suddenly realized that one of my professors in college was in front of me. I don't know why, but I really find it awkward to be standing next to someone from the academe. Actually, there isn't no reason why I should feel awkward with this professor because I kind of think she likes me (as a student of course!). She gave me good grades in her class and my friends told me she talked about me in their class. She even read my paper in front of the class. But I really don't know, I just find it awkward trying to have a small talk with someone as dignified as she is. Lol.

And I experienced other awkward things that I feel lazy writing about. I'm sleepy now! Goodnites! :)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Live

I don't understand how some people can be so narrow-minded when it comes to people committing suicide. I heard people talking about a certain someone who died (it's not Amy Winehouse, btw). They said, "She committed suicide JUST because of that?" In my opinion, it's not "JUST because of that" that people could actually think about taking their own lives.

Some people should know that not everyone of us has the same level of tolerance to pain. We have different degrees of how much pain we could handle. I also feel bad for people who would rather die than live. However, I think it is not right for anyone of us to judge people on why they made such choice.

People fight their own secret battles everyday. I wish people could care more and judge less. What do we know? We might save a life just by giving someone a hug or lending an ear or giving out our best smiles.

Ow! Positive vibes. :)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I miss the way you make me smile.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

It's raining.

I was looking forward to today. I even woke up at 6AM. Supposedly, today was the start of my "volunteering" in the nearby preschool in my community. However, it had been raining the whole day, classes were cancelled. Too bad. :(

I wish I can write something sensible today. But I think the rain is doing me no good. I feel kind of damp. Listening to sad love songs matches the sound of the rain, but I guess it made my eyesight kinda blur and grey all the more.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Teeth

There's a certain site about dentistry that's directing people into my blog. That's awesome! Do I talk about teeth a lot? Haha.

Anyways, I visited my dentist today. Hahaha. :)
I now know how to spend my mornings.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I see your name everywhere.

So I am reading this book that a friend recommended me to read. She told me that that book is like the story of her life. I tried reading the book in hopes that I can understand her better and the current decisions she made in life.

There's this part that got into me. The character in the book described one of the things they did in the lab for, maybe, his Science class. Oh god, me and my memory. But anyways, according to him, rats would endure a certain degree of pain depending on their desire of something, say, a type of food. So the experiment goes like this. Inside the cage, or whatever they were put into, the rats would be placed at one side and a food on the other. The rat would come running to the food. Then there were electricity wires, or whatever they are, along the path of where the food is. The rat would try and try to get the food on the far end of the cage but after several trials, he would give up. However, when the food is replaced to a food that he really likes, he would endure the pain of being electrified no matter what.

So, I tried doing this recently. I think I am becoming weird. When I wake up in the morning, all of I can think of is *. I tried to isolate myself to see if I would feel like running back to *. It was quite bearable at first, but as the days go by, I think I am...wait, I lost my adjectives.

Why do I see your name everywhere? When I watch a movie, there's a certain * there. It maybe a producer and actor or whatever. I didn't know your name's that popular. Had I not met you, I wouldn't have noticed how many times your name appears on the credit roll.

When I met up with friends and they suddenly brought up a topic about this certain actor and his love life, I thought they were talking about you. That actor wasn't my friends' type. But they did talk about you. I mean the actor with the same name.

When I put my playlist on random, your song comes up. I tried pressing next but my fingers won't let me. When I close my eyes your image comes up.

Why does these things happen?

My friend might be right. I am becoming delusional.
I'm dying inside
with my pride
and a smile on my face.

Friday, July 22, 2011

What would you do if 
I could have you?
If I could
I'd let you feel everything 
I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?

I don't like you.


Dear Mr. K,

I would like you to know that I don't like you. I really, really, don't. You are rude, mean, and annoying. Actually, those are still euphemisms of what I really want to say. You are a jerk. If I could punch you in the face right now, I would. 

Ktnxbye.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

What's ideal is hardly possible.

Emptying my backpack

I'm going to delete:

-songs I never really listened to.
-movies I have no intention of watching.
-ugly photos.
-people in my life who I don't really like.




Joookes. :)


God, I'm bored. I wonder what it's like living in a new city. Starting anew. Then I would change my name and forget the past. Oh! This is better. What if I had amnesia. Then I'll forget everything and everyone. Then I'll make brand new memories. Memories that are better than my original ones.

However, I would never really know if it's better. I would not have a point of comparison. Maybe, when I'm there in that situation, I would write here on my blog and say something like, I wish I never had amnesia or I wish I had never moved or stuff.

Why do we always want what we can't have? Okay, let me rephrase that. Why do I always want what I can't have?

Nah. I'm just bored.

I am happy as I am. I don't want people to think I am sad when I am actually not. My grandpa's sister said I look sad in church. My mom is constantly checking my FB statuses to see indications of sadness. Random people are giving me advices and encouragements I don't really need. I think they are making up things in their mind. I am actually a very happy person. Very happy. Very happy indeed.

At least, I'd like to believe that. OMG, give me amnesia.

So, I suddenly wondered. What do you need to see so people can tell you are happy? I wish someone would answer that for me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I sleep for 12 hours a day,
so that the only thing to worry about is 
how to spend the other 12.
How depressing.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Parenthesis

I would have wanted to watch Crazy, Stupid, Love today but the file I downloaded last night has a password. And before I get that password, I had to answer a survey. And after answering that survey, I had to give my mobile number. Then, I gave up. I tried downloading a new torrent file for the movie, but so far it's still 99.2% after two hours. Maaan, that sucks.

Anyways, I was able to watch "Up in the Air" today. This was given to me a year ago by a good friend, Bianca. I don't know why I didn't watch it before, maybe because I thought George Clooney is too old for me or too actioney for me. But I was wrong. I'm so sorry George Clooney, I realized that age is nothing but numbers. Lol, Jk.

This movie is great. :)


These past days I felt really lazy to do screencaps so here's a pic I found on the net again. I wanted to use a different one, but I can't find the url. So anyways, if I did do I screencap, I would have done this part:

Ryan: I thought I was a part of your life.
Alex: I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis.
Ryan: I'm a parenthesis?


Oh gosh, I hate that b. I learned a lot from her, though. I would never, ever be someone's parenthesis.

Love makes you blind.


Love blocks your eyes. See what happened? Hahaha. Joke. I'm just bored. That's all.

Wait for my upcoming video, a tutorial on how to make your hair messy or comment a song you want me to cover! Hahahahahahahhahahaha. JOKE. Never gonna happen.

I am in love with this guy.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Blue Valentine


Blue Valentine is heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm the kind who watches the falling in love themed movies, but I found this movie amazing. The cinematography, the story line, everything is just so perfect. There's just a downer, though. I'm afraid of marriage now. Lol.

This movie is about falling out of love. Which is sad. Very, very sad. I love how the movie would show how they found each other at the beginning, then it would cut to how they were falling apart. I can't help but side on Dean, though. Not because he is Ryan Gosling. Maybe, a bit, but I seriously think his character is the one who wants to keep the family together. I can't understand how cold Michelle Williams' character has become. In my honest opinion, I think she has gotten tired of Dean and wants to move on to another man. I am actually preventing myself from thinking that Frankie, their kid, might be Bobby's (the ex-boyfriend) actual daughter.

Anyways, I love the credits part of this movie. I love how people are now becoming more and more creative when it comes to packaging credits. Good job! :)



PS, the photo's not mine. Thanks Google! :)

Comfort

I figured that unless I get out of this old town, I'll never get a job I really wanted. But wait, that area is still blurry. I still don't know what I wanted.

I used to be the girl with big dreams. Now that reality is in front of me, that image is starting to fade little by little. I used to say, I'm going to be a graphic designer someday in a big advertising company. I still say it, though, but with echoing sounds of doubts and fears now.

I don't believe in myself, that's my problem. And I need constant reaffirmation from people, aside from my parents who have no idea how wrong their image of excellence of me was, that I will do well in life. When I'm all by myself and I am wondering about these things, my chest starts to turn and turn. Why don't I have dreams?

I wish I'm still little. And I can still say, "I wanna be a doctor or a teacher or a police woman" with 100% confidence. My father told me that I should just look for a job now and stay there for like 2 years, then clear my mind on what I want to do. But I think the problem with that is, I might enjoy the comforts of that job that I might be afraid again of leaving.

Haaaa. I don't know. Today, I am going to send my application to another research institution in town. Wow, I really can't leave this place. Anyways, I am truly interested in having a job in that company. Why? Because it's just a few steps away from home. Lol. Really.

So anyways, off I go, "participating" in life. Byesss.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Happy birthday Lola! :)

My Lola turns 93 today. Of all the people in the world, I think she loves me the most. When I was a kid, when I was scolded at for something, she would always try to protect me no matter what. She would put up with my rants and tantrums. She would secretly share what she has to me so that the other apos won't get jealous. I'm not the "Karen" of the family, though. She just loves me, but I am not the favorite.

Oh. When I was in Elementary, she told me, "Will I ever see you graduate in elementary?" Then I graduated and started high school. She again wondered, "Will I ever see you graduate in high school?" Then  graduated. And then I started college and she again asked, "Will I ever see you graduate in college?" Hahahaha. It's really funny because she also asked whether she would see my mom get married and have children.

Oh! When I was in gradeschool, I had my first period. As in menstruation. I don't know what to do, I cried very very hard. I was so embarrassed and I didn't think I was normal. So I told my Lola about it. I told her to keep it a secret. I told her not to tell anyone especially my cousins! Hahaha. But yeah, my secret's out now.

And then, when she would often tell me that she's going to die soon, I would cry and I would tell her to bring me with her. But that was when I was a kid. Not that I mean anything else with that.

And then there was this time that I was having a vacation in our hometown, and then there was this news that my Lola had already passed away. I remember holding my older cousin's hand while we went to another cousin's house to confirm if it was true. I was crying so hard. But it was false news. I don't know who spread that awful news.

But yeah, my Lola is still alive and kicking. She turns 93 tomorrow and I hope the good Lord will continue blessing her, keeping her strength and faith. I love her to bits and I wish her more years! I still want to repay all the kindness and love and generosity that she has passed on to me! <3

Friday, July 15, 2011

(500) Days of Summer



Tom's friend: So you have a bf?
Summer: No.
TF: Why not?
S: ‘Cause I don’t want one.
TF: Come on, I don’t believe that.
S: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?
TF: Are you a lesbian?
S: No, I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I actually don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s anything. You know.
TF: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
S: Really?
TF: Nope.



I had this conversation before. Really funny. I was asked if I was gay because I don't have a bf at the moment. Two times. Okay, so a woman my age without a bf is now lezbo. Thanks to this movie, I learned how to counterfeit that. My career-oriented reason won't work now because, yeah, I'm jobless.

In many ways, I see myself in Summer. Sometimes, I feel like love is surreal. Maybe because I haven't experienced that yet. So, yeah, I liked some people from the past, but I hadn't felt that falling in love kind of thing--the one that would make someone like Summer walk down the aisle.

Oh, by the way, my name means "sun". Lol.

This is my favorite part in this movie:


Very cute, eh? I'm happy I decided to watch this movie again. I tried watching this a year back. But there's something in me that doesn't want to like what everyone else likes. A year ago, or maybe two, everyone's talking about this movie non-stop. So I felt that it's overrated and it's not really that good (my basis was the first 15 minute of the movie). But I take those words back. This movie is a must watch!

This is a boy-meets-girl movie. But I have to warn you upfront, this is not a love story!

You must have watched it already, anyways. :)

Get tangled up with me.

Even when I grow old, I think I would never get tired of watching animated movies. It just got a heart, that no other movies have.

Today, I watched Tangled. Awwww. I love it! <3333

I remember when I was enrolled in my Marketing class, our instructor had this bonus question for our exam. He asked what our dream date was, because it was Valentine's day. I wrote what to me was the most romantic, but my instructor didn't think that it was. I wrote something like putting up a make-your-own theater in our backyard. To me, that was romantic. Haha. But I didn't get the whole score for it.

Anyways, today I think I changed my mind! To me, this is very romantic:




Even the chameleon thought so!


Ahhh. It's so sweet. Floating lanterns while riding the boat, while singing how they were living in a daydream, how life was so blurry until they found each other. <3

Then, there goes her first heartbreak:


Oh such big eyes. Wish I have those~~

But then, the good part about these movies is they won't leave you on a sour note. Of course, Eugene came to the rescue. I love this part so much. It just shows how the two are willing to sacrifice for one other. Rapunzel is willing to live the rest of her life in the dark just to save Eugene. He, on the other hand, gave his life just for Rapunzel not to live her life in seclusion. Aww, true love~~~


Oh, wait. This is also the best part! Hahaha. Eugene said, "You are my new dream." And she responded with, "You are mine, too." Awwwwwwww. True love~~~

Lol. I don't know how something so familiar and so childish can make me feel happy. I've read and heard Rapunzel's story a thousand times and yet, I enjoyed watching Tangled. So cheesy a line as "She's a princess worth waiting for" can make me go giddy, which won't really happen any other day. I don't have a thing for the lines "princess" and "waiting". But anyways, it made me feel like I just found a new crush. Haha.

Another thing is, this movie didn't have a prince. Which makes a lot of sense. Not everyone of us will end up with princes. But as Gossip Girl once said, "Sometimes, a fish out the water isn't as bad." Hey, I wouldn't mind a Eugene for myself! :)

Random

Hi. My name is Cy.
I am twenty.
I don't understand a lot of things.
That's why my head is filled with questions.
Sometimes, I get answers.
Sometimes, I don't.
My mom thinks I'm independent.
My dad asks my mom about me.
My brother thinks I'm weird.
I think I have inferiority complex.
I like kids.
I wanna be a preschool teacher someday.
Someday, when I have saved up enough money.
When my mom could say to thy neighbors I'm well accomplished.
I like to laugh.
But I barely laugh hard.
Unless when I'm with people I know.
I like poems.
A lot.
I like songs, too.
I secretly wish I have a good singing voice.
I like coffee.
And I think my Facebook's being hacked because captchas pop every now and then.
My password could be found on my favorite mug.
This mug was given to me as a graduation gift.
I don't text a lot.
People think I ignore their texts.
I just forget to reply, that's all.
I don't watch TV.
I hate crowded places.
I don't smoke.
But sometimes, I am tempted to do so.
Just a stick.
And I'll live peacefully forever.
I used to like dancing.
I like reuniting with people from the past.
They think I've changed.
I think they did, too.
But I still love reuniting with them.
I love my family.
I mean, family as in extended family.
But sometimes, I don't feel loved.
Sometimes, I feel like an outsider.
But I know they love me too.
Maybe they just aren't very showy.
I want to go to Japan someday.
And see cherry blossoms.
And eat the momo fruit.
And lots of takoyaki.
I like staying at home.
I like the sound of the rain.
It's very comfortable.
But I hate having my shoes wet.
I like ballet flats.
I wanted to learn ballet as a kid.
But I never did.
My phone is white.
But I wanted to change it.
My earphone's cord became broken.
So it stings the side of my face when I put it on my ears.
Now, that tape on the side of my bed finally had a use.
I taped the broken cord to fix it.
I'll buy a new one when I get my pay this month.
I'll probably get pink.
Or orange.
Depends on my mood that day.
I like flowers.
And butterflies.
But not unicorns.
I don't think they're real.
But I dreamed of becoming a mermaid when I was a kid.
I miss my friends.
I wish I can meet them this moment.
My fingers are tired.
My back hurts.
My eyes are sleepy.
But I can't stop.
Tomorrow, I have to wake up early.
I wish I could do that.
My mom would probably wake me up.
Someone's getting married.
We have to be there.
My Lola's birthday is on Saturday.
I bought her a present.
I wish she'll like it.
I wish she'll give me a kiss on the cheeks.
I wish she'll be happy.
And she'll feel loved.
She loves me a lot.
I love her, too.
On Monday, it's my brother's birthday.
I planned on giving him a present.
But he has his money now.
My other Lola said he saw my brother in the newspaper.
I found that funny.
He is socially awkward, according to him.
My father describes my family as workaholic.
I hide from people I don't like.
I have an avoiding personality.
But I don't believe in personality tests.
I feel completely stupid at times.
Other times I feel super genius.
I like arts.
But I don't feel like I'm good at it.
Much like in everything else.
I haven't read the bible in the longest time.
I feel bad about it.
But I don't know how to get back on track.
I should probably be sleeping now.
And end this.
By the way, did I tell you I'm random?
Ktnxbye.

Lie to convince me.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

You got eyes, look at me now!


Cooooooooool. :)
Joke time ka pala e. Lols.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Materialistic Motivations

Maybe I need some materialistic motivations in order to seriously look for a job. Right now, I feel quite contented with my life. I eat three times a day, I have just enough money to spend for a month, and I can wake up at noon time and stay up until early morning.

But--this life of a bum gotta stop. I gotta think of my future, too.

So in order to motivate myself, I am listing down the things/services I want to buy/avail:

1. Visit a dentist
Everyday, my mom is reminding me that my health insurance is tick-tocking. I only have until October to get myself medically "fixed". However, not everything is covered for the insurance, so I still need money, maybe of huge amounts to get my teeth "fixed".

My dad had this book before. It's about what people should "preserve" while they are still young. Included there is our teeth, that we should definitely invest on having a good set of teeth. It is said there that when we grow old, we would lose most of our taste buds that eating becomes less appetizing. When you have, say two or three teeth left, eating becomes harder.

2. New laptop
Mine is becoming extremely slowwww. I really need a new one, preferably with a larger screen so that I can use it better when designing. I also need something with higher memory, so that I can transfer all the photos, music, etc., that this old laptop has. I don't know for some weird reason, I feel like one of these days, this computer will sleep forever. And you know what's the number one thing I worry about? The soft copy of my thesis. Yeaaahhs. I can't believe it either. Haha.

3. A decent camera
Today, I suddenly felt like looking for photography books online. I felt like I wanted to pursue photography. Haha. Just to tell you, yesterday I was talking about studying Law.

Anyways, a few days ago, I bought this book for my brother for his Bio class. While roaming around the bookstore, I suddenly saw this amazing book about how to make the eyes of your subject pop. My mentors said that eyes should be the focus of every portrait as there will the expressions show the most. This made me realize that I love photography so much. Maybe I wouldn't pursue this as a career, but I want to enhance my skills in this area.

4. Study again.
Believe it or not, I want to study again. For the last four years of my life, I felt as if I just wasted my parent's money and my time in studying. I took things for granted and now it's kicking me from my behind. I feel like I'm not competent enough. More importantly, I feel like I'm not ready to face the real world. So maybe, just maybe, when it's my money that I'm using for studying, I would take it seriously.



Honestly, I am not a very materialistic person. I'm the kind who appreciates the non-temporary things. I don't care about brands or price tags or whatever. I'm just trying my luck if this strategy would help. Yes, motivate me please. :)
"Old pictures look very rugged and young, 
and the people in the photographs 
always seem a lot happier than you are."


Summer last year, when the day was lazy and there are no events or people to take photos of, me and my co-interns would spend the whole day digitalizing negatives. It was that kind of work wherein you've gotten used to doing. It wasn't boring, it wasn't fun as well. But it will get you through the day.

There were those photographs that would really catch your attention. And there were some that would just pass by like the others. But most of the times, what caught my attention were the black and white, sometimes sepia, pictures of the now old bosses of the institution. They look like those hippie people back in the happy days. The one often showed in indie films about rock music. Yes, they looked so much happier back then.

I wonder what it's like living in the 80's. 

I wonder if people from 2050 would wonder how was it like living in 2011. I wonder if they will ever think I am happier than they currently are. Oh well. I wish they will. Although it would be thousand times better if they actually live a happier life than I ever will. :)
We are like dominoes.
I fall for you.
You fall for someone else.


There's this guy who liked this girl. I wouldn't say he fell in love for the girl, since he would say he had never experienced anything like that in his life. He is a nice guy, quite popular among the girls too. However, the girl didn't like him as much as he liked her.

This girl is in love with someone else. The sad fact is, she wasn't even sure if the guy she's in love with also shares the same degree of interest with her. This time, though, she's willing to take a risk. 

The first guy, the one who liked the girl, found out that the girl liked Guy B. He now knew why the girl is growing distant from him. Now, he no longer wants to be friends because he felt betrayed and rejected.

Ok, so that's the story of the nameless domino people.

A friend once told me that falling in love is a miracle. I have to agree with that. For two people to feel the same way about each other must be some form of a miracle. Anonymous once said that the easiest thing in life is to love someone but the hardest part is finding someone who loves you back. There goes the domino illustration.

Incidentally today, I saw a friend who, I think, might have found that person who loves him back. I tried asking him to hang out on Friday night to eat at Bonito's (since I'm very broke and Friday's his salary day) and he refused me with a smile. He has a date already, he said. I am sincerely happy for him.

This friend had been the lonely kind for so long and I knew that in so many ways I have been causing him those feelings too. I learned a special lesson recently--acceptance. So yeah, I hate change and I am boxed within the set of principles given to me since I was three, but I think I'm growing up now. I learned that there's a very deep, untold story on how everyone chose to be that way.

Dear friend, I know you never read my blog, to say the least. That's why I gathered enough courage to write about you. So many times I tried to talk you out from becoming who you really are, but things have changed now. I'm very much happy that you have someone now. I should meet him one day, when the time is right. I love you, friend. Be happy with your man! :)

Oh by the way. People are thinking that I'm blocking them from Facebook. That's true! Just kidding. I tried that before, but it never worked. I hid my profile from this particular person. I totally forgot that he has another account, so he noticed that I was indeed hiding. So, I realized that it's never nice to do that. Today was a different story, though. What happened was, Facebook won't let me sign in anymore because I deactivated my account like 5 times in day! That's because I'm just hiding my profile to everyone altogether! Hahaha. I'm sorry guys. If facebook won't let me sign in tomorrow, I won't return everrrrrrrrrrrrrr. 

Joke. :)

I'll just make a new one. But hopefully not! I don't want to lose that one. It's hard to add up people againnnnn. But hey, that's something to be busy at! Lol 


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Magkaibang Mundo




</3 </3 </3

Student again!

Back in the day, Yna and I used to sit in in each other's class. Today, I sat in her class. The only difference is, she's the lecturer now.


That tiny tiny tiny creature in front is Ma'am Yna. It's kind of weird seeing her there. That girl, who I talked nonsense with, is now talking about scientific blah blahs to these students. The weirder part is, that guy in gray, was her batchmate and the rest of the people in his row. She said she felt awkward seeing her batchmates taking her class. I would know, I found it really awkward too. This guy in gray was also my classmate way back in my freshman year in my Asian History class. 

Anyways, my friend is teaching Nasc 4. If I'm not mistaken the course title is the Wonderful World of Life. Joke. Omit the wonderful, it's just world of life. But I tell you, it's really wonderful. We talked about tapeworms, slugs, and leeches. Amay-zing.

Not convincing, eh? Hahaha. I know. Biology is not my thing. But I had a good time this afternoon, bias aside. *winks*

Why people give the "cold shoulder"

I read from an internet source that women are better when it comes to giving the silent and cold treatment. But I beg to differ. Sometimes, when guys feel hurt/rejected, they also do this perfectly to their defense.

Why am I writing about this? I don't really know.



At least this photo's making me feel warm.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Purikura



Go to puricute.com if you wanna make yours~! :3


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Rainy days and balut

Times like these I just want to eat breakfast food. Gaaahhh. I wish I can transport to Black and Brew and have their amazing omelette.

I practically slept the whole day today. I love the rain, it's like the sound of the drops of the rain sings me a lullaby to sleep. Maybe that's why I wanted a breakfast meal now.

I've been craving for eggs since two days ago. I would have wanted to suggest that we go eat that breakfast meal at B&B yesterday, but friends had a different cafe in mind. And also, I didn't get the chance to suggest because I was very late. Good thing we ate eggs all day today...except that shrimp from this breakfast. Now that I think about it, I find it kind of twisted that my mom cooked a lunch meal for breakfast and we ate eggs for lunch and merienda. Lol. And she said she'll be cooking eggs again for tonight's dinner. I actually do not mind. I'm a breakfast kind of person.

However, I dislike balut. Do you know the reason why vendors sell balut at night? So that we won't see the developed sisiw inside. Ack.

But today, my mom made me eat that. It wasn't that bad after all. Maybe because mom made this recipe she found over the net, I don't know where exactly. It was super spicy, suits my spicy tooth.


I read somewhere that Balut is the most disgusting foreign food ever. Haha. I won't blame them, though. It does look disgusting, but it tastes quite well when presented this way. High-end restaurants, according to Jessica Soho, are now offering Pinoy street foods in a more "presentable" manner. Wow.

Anyways, I overheard my parents and my brother talking about his future. He started talking about the med exams late this year. My opinion wasn't asked, but I would really like my brother to give it a try. However, he said he didn't want to be a doctor.

If I could re-live my life, I'd probably drown myself in hard sciences and math. I'm not very good in these areas like my brother. I wish I took a course that would, like, really give me a concrete idea of what I could do forever. For example, a person taking up Dentistry would be a dentist. A student taking up Accountancy would be an accountant. What makes me? There are too many options, I don't know what to pick.

Tomorrow, I'll re-do my resume and send it over another company. I told myself I wouldn't take a writer position ever. But I guess you can really never tell. I hope I can get accepted in this job and finally put up an FB status like "Wooo may trabaho na ako @ex-boss". Lol. Jk. Jk.

To forgive is divine. :)
"So this is my life. And I want you to know 
that I am both happy and sad 
and I'm still trying to figure out 
how that could be."
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower


I thought I was half-dreaming when I heard someone's voice from this morning. It was of our landlord's, delivering some--how to say--sad news?

My whole life, we've been moving from one house to another. It was three years ago when we moved back here in my parent's hometown, and now, we're about to leave...again. Before, I couldn't imagine living here. Now, I couldn't imagine leaving it.

My parents said we could opt to go back to our house in the city, since I'm job-hunting and it would be nearer corporate companies I could possibly work in. I lived there my whole life, but somehow, I don't ever wanna return. That place didn't give me bad memories, but living here is so much peaceful and easy. Not very practical and convenient for career growth, but I think this is what I need just now.

I don't know how things don't get any less complicated when one grows old. The truth is, I don't really know what I want. My friends asked me if I'm happy with my life, and I honestly don't know the answer. I am neither happy nor sad. I'm at the state wherein I feel nothing at all. Know what, I just want to sleep. That's the safest place I think I can ever be.

I've seen some people turning to other things when they feel this way. I don't know. I'm just not that kind. I won't say I don't understand people who turn to drugs and alcohol just to get rid of the weird emotions circling around their chest and mind. But I'm not that kind. I have this tendency of isolating myself from people to the point of nihilism. I don't care about anything. It doesn't make me sick. Instead, for some weird reason, it gives me comfort.

Gosh, I'm such a dark cloud. Don't get near me if you don't wanna be rained on. Ktnxbye.

Saturday, July 9, 2011



Boom.
Para ngang kape ang buhay--mapait. Sobrang pait.

In order to be walked on, you must be lying down.

Wow, I feel depressed.

One thing weird about me, when I feel really bad about something I cry then I suddenly feel the need to puke. Today, I cried then puke. I must have felt really bad.

These are one of those days when I actually feel bad about myself. I am never the miss pretty or miss popular girl. I was never the most intelligent girl. I wasn't the life of the party. I'm just me--a typical, ordinary girl. If I were a character in a movie or a series, I'll probably be that girl in the blurry background.

So I have no expertise whatsoever, I'm not even mighty driven about something I would want in life, but I don't really need anyone shoving that in my face. I don't understand how some people can make you feel bad about yourself just so they can feel better about themselves.

I maybe am insignificant. I have low self-esteem and I don't feel special at all. But I won't let you walk on me. I won't be lying down anymore. I won't let you continue your habit of pulling me down.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I don't know what I did wrong.


I don't know what I did to deserve this.


I can't remember anything that would make you hate me like this.


Why.


Tell me why.

It takes more than that to bring me down.

Dear you,

You should know by now that it takes more than what you did to bring me down. I know I don't look like much now, or I may never reach what you are now, but I won't trade my life for yours. I won't lie to get people's trust the way you did. I was all hooker, line, and sinker with your empty promises. I should have known better, but I invested my confidence in you. I don't regret it, though. Because of that, I came out stronger.

Now you're trying to shake my faith. I do feel hurt now, but that's okay. I know myself, I know my worth and that's more than what you accounted me for. I know you told other people stuff about me which are false. I could turn the story around, but I didn't...because deep inside me, I still have this little respect for you. I wish you'll also respect me that way.

It breaks my heart that I treated you well--like a friend and a confidante--but you didn't do the same for me.

You may see me now as an ungrateful bitch. But at the end of the day, you know that I'm not. If it makes you happy, continue breaking me apart. I won't stay broken forever, that I'm very sure of.

Adios.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart
and it means that someone can get inside you
and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses,
you build up a whole suit of armor,
so that nothing can hurt you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day,
like kiss you or smile at you,
and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love take hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,
so simple a phrase like "Maybe we should be just friends"
turn into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt,
it's a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

I hate you, stupid.

Hire me, hire me, say that you'll hire me!

Wooot.

I sent my very first online application.

Prayyyyy for meeeeeee. <3

List


I don't have a Tumblr, but I find Tumblr posts really amusing. I hope you don't mind me re-blogging it here. :)

Anyways, I find this list really cute. But among everything written here, these are the ones that got through me:

5. Hug me from the back.
My favorite scene in all the Korean dramas I've watched is that of Goong, when the female lead is salivating on the male lead's back. I found it really cute that she wanted to hug him real bad, but she's forcing herself not to. Haha. Since then, I find guys with backs like Joo Ji Hoon attractive. :)

So anyways, why do I like hugging from the back? I like surprises and I'm not a very touchy person. So, I have to be surprised in order to have skinship. Lol. Holding hands tightly would be a lot more romantic or kissing hard maybe, but Idk, this suits me best, I guess.

6. Go to church with his family.
I am very family oriented and I have a Christian background. In my opinion, nothing beats this item in the list. If someone ask you to go to church with him, it means his feelings for you are real because he doesn't only care about the life you're living right now, but the life that you'll live for all eternity. 

8. Write a song only for me.
It doesn't matter if he can't sing or he writes well, but this idea is really sweet. There's this popular artist in Youtube named JRA, I really like the sincerity of his songs. I mean, who can put cucumbers and bluetooth in a song and still manage to make it sound romantic? I could listen to that song over and over again and still feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Haha.

9. Stop me from sleeping just so he could talk to me a little more.
If not for my part-time job as a tutor, I probably won't improve my conversation skills. I am very boring and uninteresting to talk with. I think I am more of a writer than a speaker, not that my writing skills are any better. So if anyone would just stop me from sleeping just to talk with me a bit more, then I guess he was able to see past through my boring-ness and uninteresting-ness. For me, that's really cool.

14. Help me with my homeworks or do my projects.
Too bad I'm out of school already. Haha. But this may be rooted to Ely Buendia's line, "Gagawin ko ang lahat pati ang thesis mo." A few months ago, I really needed that Ely Buendia. Hahaha. Anyways, I was able to finish studying without him. So for students! Find yourself an Ely who cares about your education. :)

20. And most especially, tell me "I love you" with all of his heart and show it in his own special way.
I don't really mind if I don't hear I love you everyday. I've grown up in my family being less "malambing" than the usual ones. We rarely say I love you to each other, or hug each other, or give family kisses. It's like we're more of a barkada living under the same roof. Though we don't show it that much, we know deep inside that we care and love each other.

So maybe that's why way of showing my affection is also not through words. I want to feel love and not only hear it. Somebody told me before that everyone has a different language of love and that's what I wanted. A not so typical way of showing someone's love. <3



Ang cheeeeeesy. Sorry, that's what you get when I'm stuck at home all day watching romantic flicks and stuff. :))))


Break-up


I can't imagine how painful it is to break up with a person you have practically been used to seeing, talking with, and hanging out with for so many years. I haven't experienced a lot in life, so I wouldn't really know.

But here are my thoughts: It's kinda messed up how people can stay in someone's life for a long time and then when trouble strikes, they would leave you just like that. I hope that that won't happen to me. If I'll fall deeply in love with someone, and that someone doesn't really have thoughts of staying in my life for good, I hope the good Lord would immediately cut our story short.

I know everything happens for a reason, but the thought of it really scares me. Like you would give your all to that one person--your dreams, your time, your life but he won't do the same. And just like that, he'll leave you hanging on, waiting, thinking that maybe somewhere in the back of his mind he also has thoughts similar to yours.

I have a friend who has a recent break up. I feel sad about it myself. When she said that when she's alone in her room, loneliness starts to take over, I feel like flying all the way to her house and make her feel ok. Hey, I would also want someone like that if ever I felt this way.

Hay, love. </3

Sabi nga ni Henry Youngman, "You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." Ouch.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Bilib ako sa kulay ko.

I don't know why Filipinos want to have a lighter skin. I mean, kayumanggi is our natural color and we must definitely be proud of what we are.

Lol, jk. I can totally feel why Filipinos want to have whiter skin. To tell you honestly, I also would want a whiter complexion. For some reason, maybe, I was also influenced the by the media telling us that we should be whiter. I would be a hypocrite if I tell you I wanted to retain my darker shade.

Pwahahah. I was really dark. But then again, I'm still dark as of this posting. But recently, people have been telling me that I have a lighter complexion now. But that's because I no longer walk the streets of UPLB umbrella-less everyday. 


I'm not going to do a testimonial now on a product that I'm using and I have proven to be super effective. I'm just reminded of what my previous boss told me. He said I should get a whiter skin and I'll look more presentable when he sends me off to do meetings somewhere. So this makes me think that people would really judge you based on your skin color. Like, I know this girl from the university, I tried photoshopping her picture to turn it darker, and she didn't look as attractive. Just kidding, I won't really go that far.

What I wanted to say is, in our society today, we subconsciously judge people based on their skin color that it becomes too unfair. So what if I don't achieve the lighter complexion my boss wanted, I won't be able to present myself well in meetings? It's good that you are concerned of what you look like, but I'm still a believer that when you have the skill, regardless of the skin color, you'll still do well.

Someday, when I get to become a boss myself, I'll hire darker-skinned people.

So I'll be the whitest in the company. Joke.

Honestly, I wanted a whiter color just because I think I look better when I do. But if I'm going to be judged of my skills because of my brightness vs contrast--nahhh, I think I'll just let my true colors show.

Di makatulog sa gabi sa kaiisip.



Kakilig. <3333

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I got sunshine on a cloudy day!

I felt sunshine on my skin today (finally).

No, not really. It was a rainy day today but I had to get out. My mom practically pleaded just for me to get out of the house. She complained about how I have no plans with my life and how I really don't want to find a job.

I initially planned to go to the university early in the morning. Like the usual plan in my head, I wanted to wake up at 7am today to get back to my exercise routine. But yeah, I failed myself again and woke up at 8:30 am. Mind you, that's very early compared to my recent wake-ups.

My mom reminded me that I have an appointment today to get my documents for "future employment." Lol. I cringed a little when I said that. Anyways, I told my mom that maybe I should just go there after lunch, then she angrily blurted out that it was again my way of putting off what I needed to do. I told her I was broke and she said she'll give me money just for me to get out of the house. Ha-ha. Man, I love my home too much.

Anyways, hopefully tomorrow, I'll get enough guts to send my resume to a company I'm eyeing. It's just a part time job, though. But to tell you honestly, I'll rather have two part time jobs than one full time job. Why? Because I can't let go of my free time. Ha-ha.

Uncontrollable



You're the first and last thought of my day.
Probably, that's why I'm restless when I wake up.
My mind still thinks about you even during my sleeping hours.
How could you evade my mind without my permission?
All these feelings, stirring and stirring inside
I hope you feel responsible for that.
You belong in my future now.
When you slip my mind even for a sec,
I shrivel because I get scared.
You maybe are miles and miles away from me.
You maybe are a million times away from me.
But I know I'll find you soon.
Better yet, I know you'll find me soon.
Get here as fast as you can,
Because all these thoughts,
All these feelings,
They're starting to get uncontrollable by the day.

Trabaho, where are you? 

Monday, July 4, 2011

Be my four leaf clover.

Your voice is my favorite sound. <3

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Who am I?

I am more deadly than the screaming shell of the cannon.
I win without killing.
I tear down homes, break hearts, and wreck lives.
I travel on the wings of the wind.
No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me,
No purity pure enough to daunt me.
I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice,
No mercy for the defenseless.
My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea,
And often as innocent.
I never forget and seldom forgive.
My name is Gossip.

-Morgan Blake

Heaven's Postman

Honestly, I kind of feel sad that I don't have anything to do for the rest of my days now. I was plan-less before, now I think my plan-lessness doubled up.

But thanks for a movie I watched, I now know what job to look for.


What if this guy shows up and offers you a part time job for 20 dollars an hour? Lol, I'll gladly take it without any doubt...even if he introduce himself as an angel.

I was recommended to watch this movie entitled "Heaven's Postman." It's a Korean movie about a guy who made a deal with God. He was in coma and while being in that condition, he works as a postman delivering "appropriate" letters to heaven. He sorts out letters that could only be sent to heaven.

The postman couldn't be seen by anyone except for those who still yearn for their lost loved ones. There's this girl who lost her lover, and she couldn't move on. She sent hate letters to her lover about why he left her. The postman fell in love with the girl. The girl fell in love with the postman. Oh boy, I'm not really good with summarizing, so you can just read the whole summary in this link.

So, I found this movie really sweet and easy to watch. Most Korean movies are like that. That's why I love watching them. They make you feel good inside.


Lucky, isn't she? :)

However, that wasn't my favorite scene. And that's not a lie *wink*

Anyways, here's my favorite part (for real):


I always find old people still being in love with each other very romantic. I cried a little when the grandpa thought her wife cheated on her. Oh, such pain. Not that I've ever been cheated on before. But hey, just the thought of it really makes me sad. And then, when they meet in heaven, and grandma was waiting for grandpa, it reaffirms that she really loved him very dearly.

This scene makes me feel happy inside. I hope that when I get to heaven, I'll see the people who climbed up heaven's stairs before me. I suddenly missed my bestfriend and first inaanak, Abog. 

Gosh, I miss you so much. If you were here, you could have seen your baby sister grow up. She's very cute and cuddly and funny and I'll take care of her and be her bestfriend the way I've been to you. Wow, I'm crying right now. I missss you so much and I still wish you're here with us. 

Though I know you're in a safer, more peaceful place now. I love you. And you'll always be remembered. Wait for me in heaven, okay? :)





Saturday, July 2, 2011

Heartstrings

Hello, free time. Hello, lazy hobbies. Hello, Korean dramas. Lol.

Wow, today I might find the drama that I might possible hooked into. Heartstring! :)

I loved You're Beautiful and two of the stars of the said drama are the leads to this new Kdrama. I wasn't a big Yong Hwa fan in the past, but he really looked cool with his annoying, rude, cold character in this. Actually, anyone annoying, rude, and cold in dramas looks cool to me!

However, I think I have my favorite character in the drama. This one:



He's sooo adorable. Hahaha. In reality, I'd go for a nerdy type than the popular jock. So I'd take this one, thanks. :) Plus, he's hungry all the time! Suits me. :DD

I never liked traditional music, but maybe this will change my mind. I especially liked the scene wherein Park Shin Hye's group played traditional music and then Yong Hwa's band played the rock version of it. Coolio.




For some weird reason, this drama reminds me of Goong (my ultimate fave!). Maybe because Yong Hwa's character's name is Shin and he's in love with a ballerina.

Hope I won't get tired watching this! <3

We don't talk anymore.

I wanted to write about this yesterday, but I was so sad I couldn't think straight. So yeah, the clouds in my head have already cleared so I think I can pursue my writing today.

Not that it will be any better today than before. Lol.



Two nights ago, I dreamed of a friend I used to have back then. We used to talk a lot. We shared secrets. Most of our interests were the same. We laughed together. We dreamed together. We do stuff together.

But things happen, and since then, there wasn't any "we" anymore.

There are so many people in my life I've seen and met. Many people I've ridden a jeepney with. Many people I've exchanged hi's and hello's with. But out of all these people, who will I continue seeing? Knowing? Talking with?

I've always been so distant and afraid of letting myself into a person's life. But I guess I'm wrong in living this way for a long time. I've seen people come and go. Maybe if I had not lived this way, I could have kept all those valuable people in my life.

Gah~! Emo much.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Freedom

Things change, people grow.


I never thought it would be this easy. I am jobless now.

I got my job a day after graduation. Fast eh? I lost it quite faster. I don't know if I'm happy about it or not. Right now, I just don't feel anything. I'm happy I have parents who are very supportive of me. They encourage me and their words make me feel like I can get any job in the world if I want to. I wish it's true, though.

So what do I do now. I got free hours. Lol.

Ahhh. Ang lungkot.

Sobrang lungkot.
Mamamatay na yata ako sa lungkot.
Ayoko na ng ganito.
Ang bigat sa pakiramdam.
Ang lungkooooot.

</3

Oh, pain.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." -Jim Morrison



I am pained. Really pained.



Promises



I'm still a little girl. All along I thought I was strong, but the truth is, I was very vulnerable.

The first day of July the heavens cried. And so did I.

Ugh. I'm starting to hate my life.

It's officially July.

Time sure travels fast.

It's been more or less three months since I graduated from college. I'm still here--with no plans, no sense of direction, and nothing new on mind. July, July, I need you to inspire me.

I better straighten up my life starting today.

I promise to:

1. Wake up early later. Maybe 6 or 7 AM.
2. Finish the whole write-up I was supposed to finish yesterday.
3. Start the lay-out for the booklet tomorrow and hopefully finish half of the pages.
4. Write a sensible and remarkable resume that will get me hired in a decent company.
5. Stop checking my Facebook account every five minutes of the day.
6. Stop doing delaying tactics just to drag on my working hours.
7. Stop eating junk food.
8. Stop watching too much drama.
9. Stop staying up late at night.
10. Stop drinking too much caffeine.
11. Get a haircut. (People think I have extensions on already.)
12. Have a medical and dental check-up before my health insurance expires.
13. Save up money for future use.
14. Tutor students at least two hours a day for additional income.
15. Read my Bible, pray everyday.



There. I hope I can do all these things in a day.

So help me God! <3

Maybe the universe is telling you something.

My total awww moment of the week:


I died when he said "I love you." Pwahaha.


And then, here comes my total scary moment of the week:


I also almost died of heart attack when she said, "BLOW. IT. OUT." Pwahahaha. 



Can't wait for episode 4. :D