TL;DR

Hindi madali ang mag-move on. Kung pwede nga lang sana na pagkagising mo kinabukasan, limot mo na ang lahat, di ba? O kaya kung may gamot ng kalimot na pwedeng inumin, mas madali sana ang buhay. Ang masakit kasi sa lahat, 'yung pag-asa na lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo ay magiging okay ulit, na babalik ulit ang lahat sa normal, sa nakasanayan mo. Kaso hindi ganon, dapat harapin ang sakit. Sabi nga ni Beauty Gonzales doon sa Starting Over Again, "Yang hope na yan, nakakalason yan e." Totoo naman, sa lahat ng nakakasakit 'yang pesteng hope na yan.

Kaya tuwing naaalala kita, o hinihintay ko ang text mo, pinapagalitan ko ang sarili ko. "Ayan, umaasa ka na naman e, wala na yon. Walang kwenta yon." Tuwing magigising ako kapag alas tres ng madaling araw at sisilipin ko kung nagtext ka, binubulungan ko ang sarili ko na "Mas masarap matulog, 'wag mo nang isipin yon." So far, effective naman siya. Hindi katulad dati na daig ko pa ang umattend ng burol. Kapag nagising ako ng alas tres, di na ako makatulog ulit. Kasi hanggang umaga ko na titiisin yung sakit sa dibdib ko na hindi mo na ako naaalala sa mga oras na yun.

Ngayong araw na 'to may nabasa ako sa Facebook. 'Yun naman ang hobby ko e, magbasa-basa ng kung ano-anong kaemohan sa Facebook, Instagram, at Twitter. Sabi doon, "No one can take anyone away from you. They leave because they want to." Naisip ko, totoo nga iyon. Baka naman dati mo pang gustong iwan ako. Nagkataon lang na wala ka pang maisip na dahilan. Kasi hindi ka naman niya mapipilit kung ayaw mo. Sabi pa nga noong isang panot sa Facebook, "Marami akong nakikitang mas maganda sayo. Pero pumipikit nalang ako kasi mahal kita." Eh hindi mo na nagawang pumikit, baka nga hindi talaga ako ang para sa'yo. Gayundin, hindi ikaw ang para sa akin.

Hindi na ako masyadong nabibitter ngayon. Hindi na din ako masyadong naiiyak. Siguro natuto na din akong mag-let go at tanggapin lahat ng ito. Sa katunayan, lahat ng mga pinopost ko sa Instragram ko hindi naman para sa'yo yun e. More like para sa akin. Iyon kasi ang way ng pag-cope ko. Pang-cheer up ba sa sarili ko. Kailangan ko kasing ma-express ang feelings ko through words. Sa dami ng nasalihan kong essay writing contest versus sa walang speech contest na nasalihan ko, malinaw na siguro sa'yo na mas madali para sa akin ang magsulat kaysa sa magsalita. Kaya kung ano man ang nakikita mo doon sa IG ko, hindi na yon para sa'yo. Para yon sa nangyari sa 'ting dalawa. Isang alaala.

Minsan nagpapasalamat din ako doon sa aksidente ko noong 2003. Kasi naging mahina ang alaala ko. Ngayon, kapag pumipikit ako, hindi na mukha mo ang nakikita ko. Si Simone Rota na. Minsan nga sinusubukan kong alalahanin ang itsura mo, pero hindi ko na magawa. Parang unti-unti na siyang nabu-blur. Daig pa ang mga out of focus kong shots pag nagcocover ng event.

Minsan din nakakalimutan ko na ang mahahalagang petsa ng ating pagsasama. Maging yung masasakit na din. Kung dati kaya kong ikwento in detail lahat-lahat, ngayon hindi ko na kaya. Parang bumabalik na nga ako sa normal. Minsan inaalala ko 'yung birthday mo, mga after 30 seconds ko na bago maalala. Kinakalimutan ko na din yung mga memory techniques para maalala ko lahat ng tungkol sa'yo. Sabi nila, mali daw yung tinatakbuhan ang mga ganito. Pero ganito ako e, mas gusto kong kinakalimutan ang lahat.

Sabi din ng kaibigan ko, bumalik na daw ako sa dati. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi tahimik na daw ulit ako, lagi nalang ako nakikinig ngayon katulad ng dati kong sarili. Hindi katulad noong dati, yung height ng depression ko sa pagkawala mo, na wala na daw akong ginawa kung hindi paulit-ulit na ikwento ang nangyari.

Noong una, natatakot ako na kalimutan ka. Kasi ang totoo, ayaw kong makalimutan mo ako. Pero ganon yata talaga. Dapat kalimutan na natin ang isa't-isa. Kagaya ng mga kaibigan kong naka-move on na sa mga dati nilang jowa. Wala na silang pakialam sa isa't-isa. Mukha naman silang masaya.

Hindi ko kasi 'yan ma-gets noon. Akala ko kasi Disney Princess ako na once ma-fall-in-love ka sa isang tao, 'yun na 'yun. Kaso 2014 na nga pala. Hindi na effective 'yung true love's kiss para sa isang magandang happy ending.

Pero katulad ng sinasabi ko sa bestfriend ko, true love changes people. Nawasak na ang lahat ng konsepto ko sa pag-ibig ng dahil sa nangyari sa ating dalawa. Pero ayos din naman, dahil namulat ako sa realidad ng buhay. Tuwing nakikita ko ang nanay at tatay ko, naiisip ko, sana makahanap din ako ng taong magmamahal sa akin ng totoo at habang buhay. Sa palagay ko, mangyayari naman yun. 24 years ko na siya hinahanap e, ngayon pa ba ako maiinip?

Mas open na ako ngayon sa idea na kapag dumating siya, mas alam ko na. Hindi na siguro magiging kasing bigat. Kahit sinasabi pa ng mga kaibigan ko na babaan ko daw standards ko, eh ang totoo naman wala akong standards. Naniniwala kasi ako noon sa love at first sight. Katulad ng una kitang na-sight, tapos dahil medyo twisted din naman pag-iisip ko, pinaglaban ko nalang ang love na yon. Kahit noong una palang naman, may kutob na ako na hindi tayo magtatagal.

Kaya ngayon, nag-set na ako ng standards. Kaya ko na din magsabi ng "No". Saka mas may respeto na ako sa sarili ko. Noon e para akong baliw na kaya kong itapon ang lahat para sa'yo. Pero hindi ganito ang pag-ibig di ba? Dapat may room for growth ang bawat isa.

Noong nawala ka, doon ko nakita na ang dami palang meron ako na winawalang bahala ko lang. Hindi ko pala kayang itapon ang lahat ng ito para sa'yo. Lalong-lalo na ang pagkatao ko.

Habang nasa jeep ako noong isang araw, naisip ko, siguro ganito nga ang first love. Reckless, dangerous, stupid. Dadating ka sa point na sa sobrang pagkabulag mo sa idea ng love, lahat ng mali ay nakikita mong tama. Kahit alam mong nasasaktan ka na, willing ka pa din magpaka-tanga para sa kanya. True love nga e, di ba?

Pero dito sa mga pagkakamaling ito tayo mas natututo. Kung hindi ito nangyari, siguro mangmang pa din ako sa mga bagay na to. Ang pain naman ay temporary, fleeting. Totoo nga pala na sa mga bagay na ito mas lalong nalakas ang mga tao.

Kaya naman, salamat, patawad at paalam.

Harder

I think people who previously loved are much harder to love for the reason that once, they had the purest, most innocent view of love. But when their first love shattered all their idealistic views on what love was, they guard their hearts and they become rebel to the thought that love does exist.

Because why would anyone say they love you when they do not intend to stay?

How do you know if you find "the one"?

I'm a sucker for true love. I am so in love with the idea of love, it's insane. On idle moments, I have a silent conversation with God to please, please let me meet that person for me immediately.

While he is stuck in traffic, or misreading his map, or busy doing something else, I take joy in talking with people who are lucky enough to find their other half. I always ask these people, "how did you know that he/she is the one?"

They always have the same answer. "You won't really know."

All these movies I watched fooled me, then. I've always thought it's a ground-shaking, heart-stopping, eventful moment when you meet that one person. But apparently, it's not. It could happen, but it mostly doesn't.

"It's choosing the same person everyday, whatever the circumstances are," my married friends told me.

Making a choice sometimes is difficult, but it is necessary for a relationship to thrive. It is committing to the same person even if you find something better, even if times are difficult.

Someday, I hope I find that one true love who would choose me, every single day every single time.

Recovery

There are things that were hard for me to believe in until I finally experienced them first hand. One concrete example of this is completely forgetting everything that happened last night because you were so drunk. I thought people just used this as an excuse for their unexpected behavior the night before. Apparently, this is a fact of life.

On one of the nights I decided that binge drinking was the cure to my heart's broken state, I finally hit my all time high. After a couple of shots, I completely lost myself. It was like taking photographs in super long exposures. The blind spots were longer than what was currently happening. All I could remember that night was I was drinking with strangers, singing a duet on a karaoke with a person I barely know, my friends carrying me on the way to their favorite mamihan (which is not my favorite due to the thick soup), and me puking inside the shop. I collapsed in the extra bed of my friend's apartment, with her roommates covering me with a folded blanket. I was so drunk I actually thought the blanket was only half of a size of a human, so I suffered the whole night in the cold, simply because I did not have the brains to actually unfold the blanket. They still laugh until now because of that blanket incident.

And that is definitely not my proudest moment.

One good thing though is that I know for sure that these things happen. It is not simply a myth. But using myself as my very own experimental rat is not a very good idea. The past few weeks, I was battling perhaps my lowest point in life. I could not eat, sleep, or have fun. Not even drinking the night away saved me. Even sleep, my favorite of all things, could not give me the brief death I always escape to when times get hard.

Eventually, it took a toll on my physical body. Since I threw up every time I would eat, my body overproduced acid that led my tummy to go in shambles. The doctor could not find anything, I was healthy as a cow. (Except they found some complications on my liver, this is the payback for my binge drinking). They said, I should just do something about my well-being.

Health and wellness are two different things. In my case, my physical body has everything in order. But my mental, emotional, and spiritual state is not in its best condition. I was being hard on myself even though I know that I shouldn't, even though I know that I should do better.

In those moments, I realized that I was being selfish. I was too consumed with my own pains that I failed to see I was hurting the people who truly love me and care for me. I was not only destroying myself, I was potentially destroying my relationships with people who have always been supportive of me.

So this is another myth that I recently debunked. I thought then that you can only fully love once, that after you have given your all, it is impossible to give a better love than what you already given. When I was at my lowest, I felt a downpour of love I never imagined I have. How can I not reciprocate?

I read from somewhere before that when your heart is broken, it also leaves an opening. This is what I would like to believe in. My heart was cut so more love could come in. And then I feel better. No need for binge drinking. :)

(Maybe until I get rid of that liver problem)

Dear Self,

Do yourself a favor and stop wishing for him to come back. Because he won't.

He has someone new, someone who brings him happiness more than you do. Someone who loves him better than you can ever will.

Perhaps you did love him but it was not the love he needs. Not the kind he wants.

Stop fighting for him because he has given up on you. Respect his choice and respect his new girl and most of all, respect yourself.

Wish him happiness because he deserves it and you deserve peace. One day soon, your happiness will come. Your meaning will come and it will all make sense.

You will look back and realize why you had to go through all these pains and hurts. It will bruise and scar you, but it will make you stronger.

Make time your friend. It is not as easy as it sounds for your heart is an impatient one. But as days pass, it will all go away. If you are lucky enough, time will give you the gift of forgetting.

Of course you will still remember. When his song plays on your forgotten playlist, when you see his pictures as you search for files on your computer, or when you re-read your conversations on your phone. You will see these things that will remind you of him, but the ache will stop. The ache will leave your heart.

If you are luckier, you will another who will replace him. Right now, you might think that no one can outdo him. But there will be one who will make you believe that love exists, that love is worth making, that there is sense in everything. You will love and be loved again.

Luckiest are you because in these times of sorrow you will find yourself again. You will learn your strengths. You will learn to be you again. You will learn to stand up after a defeat. But you will be you again and that's what matters most.

Do not hurt anymore. It will come to pass. It will come to pass.

Things I wanna do

In the pursuit of developing a better me and having real, concrete hobbies (except for sleeping and the internet), let me list down a few of the things I want to accomplish in life (short-termly, preferably):

1. Learn to cook
I found an interesting online article on how to spot a girl from a woman a few months back. Something that hit me hard was that a girl take pride on how undomesticated she is while a woman knows her way around the household. This year, I am turning 24 and though most of adults tell me I'm still young to worry about growing old, I really feel that I can only get older each year. I need to learn to cook because I do not only owe this to myself to eat a wonderful and healthy meal each day, but I owe it to my future hubby and kids to provide them a meal that they want to come home to (just like my mom's).

2. Watch more TV (that sparks up imagination and creativity)
To tell you honestly, much of what I know now is because of watching Art Attack, Sesame Street and lots and lots of Japanese Anime. I turned into a communications-slash-art enthusiast because of what I've seen on the media. But somehow, I forgot what it's like to feel that tinge of excitement everytime I hear the opening theme song of a TV show I religiously watch. I want to feel inspired, I want to feel that satisfaction after longing so much for something I have been waiting for.

3. Be a committed gym-goer
It's high-time I get back into shape. Stress from work and life caused me to binge eat, sleep less, and complain a lot. This is very unhealthy. I think that it is much better to put all my energy in something that would make me fit and healthy.

4. Study again
I can only list so much of things I wanna study: graphics design, hiphop, Masters in Development Communication, a second degree on Multimedia Arts, etc., etc. Somehow, it has not come into fruition. But I will make time, seek for more opportunities, and save up so I can have the resources to do this.

As I lay across him, with his fears and doubts boldly and intimately exposed before me, he asked me one simple question that had my mind spiraling, "What are you afraid of?"

I was caught off guard. For one, I wasn't afraid of anything. At that moment, I felt like there is no such thing as vulnerability. I was invincible.

But as he closes his eyes, as he drifted off to sleep, I knew clearly what I was afraid of. Living life without him.

Why I'm so fucking angry right now

As much as I wanted to be happy because it’s Friday, I could not bring myself to. I feel so freaking sad, everything around me makes me angry. I’d probably just spend my whole weekend crying on my favorite side of the bed while my mind spins thousands and thousands of thoughts I’d rather not think about.

You know what scares me? All these fucking bullshit makes me think it’s easier to die. But I can’t do that, because I can’t be too selfish to leave my fragile mother in too much heartbreak. I could runaway with a guy and move to another place and for sure it would also break my mom’s heart, but eventually she will forgive me. But if I die, if I took my own life, she will not forgive herself.

Let me also note, that fuck all traditions and societal norms. Fuck all your previous beliefs about how we should blend in the crowd. Because fuck, fuck, fuck it. Fuck the whole universe, actually.

Fuck all you people who likes meddling into other people’s businesses without considering their feelings. Fuck all you bitches who thinks it’s alright to step into other peoples relationships. Fuck all of you people who already are in a relationships but still flirts with other people just because you can. Fuck all of you people who pretends to be nice when you really have some agenda hidden in your fucking dirty minds. Fuck all of you homophobics who think gays are not as human as you and I. Fuck all of you who fucking just annoy the hell out of me.

You know what? Fuck me, too. I was raised to show a straight face, an ideal decent daughter, always fucking thinking about what other people say. But fuck that! Fuck that. Why can’t I cry whenever I want to? Why can’t I moan in anguish when I am so freaking sad? Because no, I am raised in a perfect life. Nothing could ever make me sad.

Jesus Christ. I am so fucking angry at you right now, too. I have been waiting for you ever since the story teller in bible school told us you’re coming. I’m so freaking tired of being a good person just to see your heaven. Why can’t you bring us to heaven right now? Why can’t you come now and freaking save us all from all these suffering and pain? Are you even coming? Or that’s also one of your fucking stupid promises you can not keep. And then you fucking expect your so-called children to keep their promises, too? Well, fuck that. Fuck that.

I hate the whole universe. I hate the whole fucking universe. 

But still.

Naranasan mo na ba?

Naranasan mo na ba yung sobrang sakit ng puso mo na para bang may maliliit na karayom na tumutusok dito hanggang sa mabasag na ito ng tuluyan? 'Yung maya-maya akala mo okay na, pero ayan na naman, may mga tumutusok na naman na masakit. 'Yung parang gusto mo namang pigilin ang sakit, pero ayaw tumigil? 'Yung halos sumabog na ang utak mo sa sakit kasi napagod ka na kakaiyak?

Napakasakit.

Isa lang naman ang gusto ko. 'Yung maging ako lang at wala nang iba. Pero malabo yatang mangyari ang aking gusto.

Kaya parang mas gugustuhin ko nalang maging malaya.

Proximity

I remember in my Journalism class way back in 2007 that the closer the news happened to a community, the more likely the news appeal to them. So, in the little town of Los Baños, our class of 150 students squeezed all the news we could get from the complaints of the fishermen, to the concerns of the mothers in the daycare centers, and what-not. I did not totally get what the rule of proximity was back then, but now that I am older and wiser (?), I've gotten to realize that there are really news-worthy pieces waiting to be written, we just have to really open our journalistic eyes to see.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how this rule applies not only to journalism. The closer something or someone is to us, the more relevant they appear to us.

A friend of mine who has been in a long distance relationship for more than two years has finally closed the gap between her and her boyfriend. One time, after having a dinner with her and some other friends, I asked her “How do you know that he doesn't have another girl in the US?” She explained, “Because we do everything together, even through the computer screen.” They sleep and wake up to each other, eat together, do fun activities together. It’s not like they are ever apart.

But, alas, the physical separation is still undeniably tormenting. A pillow won’t hug you back at night, the warmth of your smart phone isn't the same as holding an actual hand, or a flying kiss can’t be as sweet. Finally, they chose to be in close physical proximity.

But what if the odds were against them? What if there was another girl who could end the physical longing for the boy? What if it was easier to let go than to take chances? After all, you couldn’t be so sure of someone you haven’t really been with for a long time. Is it still worth investing the time, effort, and money?

I’d like to think that faith survives, regardless of proximity. From a Korean series that I’ve watched in the past, it was emphasized that the two essential things in a relationship is faith and loyalty. When faith is given, loyalty is rewarded.

If your lover is somewhere far, proximity may be an issue and someone closer may be more relevant at the moment. But give love a fighting chance, nothing ever easy is worth as much as something your worked hard for.

I salute everyone in a long-distance relationship who patiently works hard until the proximity of their loved ones no longer become an issue.

Serving my purpose

"It's raining on your sphere today, Ate," says one of my officemate last Monday, while battling through the pressures of finalizing all the 12 annual reports for the group of companies I work in. Lately, it has been storming in my sphere, to be honest. So much work, so much pressure, so much stress.

I am not the kind of person who handles stress very well. I get very irritated when I don't get things done. I feel so uncomfortable that I see it in my dreams sometimes. I may be messy on the outside (I mean my desk) but I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder on the inside.

But last night, as we made our way from a festive dinner with our Lao friends, my former boss and I had a very meaningful talk. I felt so revived and rejuvenated. In the many attempts that I ask her that I want to quit, she finally said I am good to go.

"You have served your purpose, you have accomplished many things for us. If there are better opportunities for you, then go grab it," she said. A tear dropped from my eye as I heard these words. Am I really ready to fly?

In the 23 months that I stayed in the company that I work in, I keep falling in and out of love with my job. There are times that I feel so helpless falling in the abyss of workaholicism. Because I like getting things done, I sometimes sacrifice my own personal time. But when I get the feeling that I have achieved something great in doing what I do, I feel fueled to do so much more.

I think it's getting sunnier in my sphere now. Now, I feel like I wanna do more and accomplish greater things. One more good vibes for today is that the application for a 3-month training I was vying for since last year confirmed the receipt of my application. I was starting to worry that this program was really not for me. It has been more than a week and I still haven't received a confirmation on my application yet. But now, after receiving an email from that university, I finally got a glimpse of hope that I can, maybe, get this.

So yeah, I am one happy human being.

Blabbering here, blabbering there. Blabber everywhere.

I honestly think that you have stripped yourself the right to complain about how fucked up the government or the society is if you are not doing anything about it. That's just plain hypocrisy.

I've learned in the few years I studied development concepts that people are poor, mostly, because of the lack of information. There are better opportunities, but since these information do not reach them, they remain under the claws of poverty.

However, this does not translate to re-posting articles or pictures or whatever you see on Facebook. The world needs action, not just a click of a button.

Though the power of social media has been proven so many times, still, these does not feed hungry mouths, or give out-of-school youth jobs, or shelter homeless families. The world needs a concrete, sustainable way of living.

"Bigyan mo naman ako ng raket," I said in jest to my former classmate in college. "I'm so sick of writing about poverty alleviation." She giggled, "You're lucky, you get to write about those things," she replied.

Unlike some bastards from the other side of the world who feels like the world owe them something for clicking share on articles about issues they think should be relevant, I witness how committed agents of change work their ass off to make better lives for the poor people and their families everyday. Indeed, I am lucky I belong to a group of people working towards development.

If you equate poverty to a lack of money, though, then we have a problem here. Yes, the love for money is the root of evil, but money itself is not the enemy. In a different perspective (and this might be different from yours), I think money brings organization to chaos. Do you imagine us doing barter trade in the 21st century? Certainly not.

And for privileged people who do not want to work and just want to sit on their asses the whole day to play video games, if not for the passionate game developers who made your game (who worked night and day to develop that), you wouldn't have a video game in the first place. If you want to eliminate "work" in the society, please enlighten me on how this could be done.

-End of rant-

That's all I can do.

As I scroll through my facebook newsfeed, I found a blog entry on an interview about cheating from a sociologist. The one thing that struck me the most is this sentence: "When you love, you've done your part, and that's all you can do."

To clarify, I wasn't cheated on and I haven't ever (and has no plan to) cheated. I just happen to share the same viewpoint as the sociologist. Love is freely given; you can make no demands, you can make no complaints. You love because you love, and that's that.

Today, someone told me this: "I hate girls. I hate how there are so many pretty girls and I hate I have to pick one. Where did that idea come from?"

Because:

"My love is greater than your failures. But be fair, Marco. 

Kung ako, ako. Kung siya, siya."

Patty in "Starting Over Again"

I have nothing against polygamous relationships, though. We love differently and I accept that.

But for me, how can you love two (or more) people at the same time? I just can't begin to comprehend. I want what's mine to be mine. Call it selfish, but isn't it more selfish to want more than just one?

No, that's gluttony. Not even Buddha agrees to getting more than needed. Too much is, well, too much.

So this boils down to this: find a partner who also believes that a polygamous relationship should work. That's not me.

I love you and that's all I can do.

The decision to write right

Some time in 2009, I decided to start a blog called Life Begins at 20 to document my life as a young adult. It's supposed to capture the glorious moments of my youth, but now, in 2014 these so-called glorious moments are still  (I'm sorry for using a term I myself hate) "NGA-NGA".

Just kidding. I had my moments, but whenever I tried to put it down in paper, my words can't seem to capture them the way I wanted to. It's just so lacking I just end up deleting blocks and blocks of words.

But I made a decision to try again. I am gonna write about the adventures of my youth starting today. So expect me to write more about my work, my travels, my new-found interests, and whatever it is that floats my boat! :)

Never forget

Happy Chinese New Year!

But I wouldn't really talk about New Year now. It's quite unsettling how we, as a nation, cared more of how a noontime show host went through a lot of sh*t just because he made out with a girl "friends" with a rich man. If this happened to any random guy, would we even care like this? No. Okay, I understand where the empathy is coming from, but really, one day is enough.

This issue led us sidetracked on more important matters--things that are actually more important. What happened to Napoles? Are we gonna forget about her now that the Vhong Navarro-Deniece Cornejo issue is juicier and easier to talk about?

Please, stop talking about this issue. We were robbed of our rights, the benefits that could have been ours. You are also a victim like Vhong; if not a bigger one.