Shutting down my evils

I thought I packed my teenage rebel angst way down my system. I was wrong. It's still there, just pressed forgotten inside a notebook in my everyday carry-on luggage.

Maybe I am naturally evil. Maybe I was just trying so bad to suppress those evils inside me. Maybe I wasn't really nice, not really easy to deal with. One thing's right about me though, I am flexible. I am a water who fits any container. However, sometimes, too much water overflows.

Better earlier than early.

A month ago, I did this volunteering for my company's scholarship program together with a colleague. Unfortunately, we did not catch the check-in time for our flight to Cebu. The company service arrived in my home at about 3 AM, much to my surprise that our flight was to leave at 4:55 AM. Some form of miracle happened when we arrived at NAIA at about 4:20 AM. But sadly, Cebu-Pac already closed their system for checking in. They were too heartless to let us check-in, nor re-book for another day. Tragic, we had to pay 5,000 PhP for new tickets at Seair.

Tomorrow, I will be doing another volunteering for the scholarship program in Iloilo. I'm quite saddened that I won't be enjoying the benefit of a long weekend, or even just the usual late Friday nights. Additionally, I had to wake up earlier because the company service won't pick me up at my house. I somehow think that the person in-charge of logistics thought that picking me up in our secluded village may have resulted to our coming late that dreaded morning of the Cebu-Pac incident.

I'm sorry, this is starting to look more like a rage comic. I'm just... quite disappointed that it feels like the blame was being put on me indirectly. I do not want to come clean, I might have been at fault, too. I could have just stayed in the staff house the night before and it could have saved us about 30 minutes.

But what's done is done, what happened happened. Lessons were learned and sadly, the hard way.

Tonight I will be sleeping at 7pm to wake up at 12mn so I could be at the meeting place at 1:30AM just so we would never be late for the check-in of our 5AM flight. All good, better earlier than early.

I just often remind myself that volunteering is done not to improve my resume, but to improve myself. Thank you Angel Locsin, I read that from your Twitter.

Im Gleed to this song.

I borrowed a book once from my college buddy about why pain is essential in life. We feel hurt so we feel pleasure. Pain alerts us when we're in a dangerous situation. Pain is a sign that we're alive.

But, God, this pain is unbearable.

Why does it hurt so bad?

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

I seriously wanna skip tomorrow.

Someday I will make me

Clingy love

Last Day of Freedom

After drowning myself in the lonely, dark abyss of the online world for a month, I am readying myself to face reality again. Reality. Oh boy, I'm getting the chills.

Actually I am a tiny bit excited... Alright, not tiny bit excited but excited in the most appropriate amount. I really want to see my boss and co-workers after having a not so very productive month-long vacation. Yeah, I changed... a lot! I used to think that I'd rather confine myself in the safety of my parent's abode. Now, I want to see people and get to know them, and travel to new places, and learn a new language.

I found my youth. :)

I beg you to [let me] travel

When I was a Sophomore in College, we were asked to compare ourselves to one thing. I said "shoes" because "I wanna go places." That was half-true. I could not think of anything else to say at that moment, and "going to places" sounded legit, so I said it.

I was told by my Dad that words are powerful. And I have proof that it is true. Though I nonchalantly pronounced those words, the almighty power above us did not took that as a joke. And early on this year, I said I wanna go out of the box. He did let me get out--more than a thousand miles away.

I am rather thankful that God took my words seriously. I went out there in the Indochina region, clueless about what's in store for me. The quote up there from Henry Rollins is so true. Traveling opens your eyes to many things, let you see things in a different perspective. How I see the world now has humbled me. I now know that there are a lot of things out there for me to discover, for me to see.

I was bitten by the travel bug. If I could, I would travel and see the world.

Never been... anything, actually.

It might be that I have successfully wasted another day at home that led me to be all emotional when the sun disappeared. I always feel this way during sunset. I feel direction-less and sad.

I am always at a lost for words, which is really quite strange considering I get paid for my two to three syllable, simple-constructed words. Which were sometimes constructed in a grammatically incorrect manner. Or oftentimes violate the rules of writing, if there ever were any rules.

I woke up today at around 7am. I know, I was quite surprised I woke up that early, too. Home alone, I watched a 1999 Drew Barrymore movie called "Never Been Kissed." My boss had repeatedly asked me to watch it, saying I can connect to the story. And I somehow did.

Like Josie (Drew's character), I have dreams that I've always want to fulfill but certain inhibitions are pulling me back. I know I have written several times how I think I am incompetent and stuff. I can't help it, doing this always takes away the feeling of carrying a huge stone inside my chest.

There's this scene in the movie when Josie and Sam rode a Ferris wheel together. Sam, being Sam's teacher, tried to comfort her anxieties away by telling her what might have been her future. He said guys would be lining up to her when she grows older. That's exactly what my grandma told me, it never happened. Anyways, Sam also said that some people will always be rattling cages. That's exactly how I feel. I've always felt that I will always be a rattling cage.

I wish I can be more relaxed and less stressed about life.

Today was super awesome

I knew everything was being weird. People were acting weird, it's as if they were hiding something from me. It's as if they take joy in leaving me behind.

Then, voila, my officemates planned a surprise party for me. It was a hybrid of a farewell, a welcome, and a birthday party. Farewell, because I will be leaving Laos on the 3rd of June. Lao was my home for the last four months. My stay here reminded me of how to be happy with the simplest things. Welcome, because I accepted a six-month contract extension with this company. And birthday party, because the newest Lao staff who cannot speak English quite well yet thought that it was my birthday today.

Before having dinner, I was blessed by the Buddhist monks with a Basi ceremony. Dimsum filled the table for dinner. I was happy. The cake had curly chocolate toppings in tribute to my curly hair. Everyone gave me a message which almost made me cry. The local Lao staff also gave me little notes with really nice messages. Maybe someday soon I will publish some of the notes. They're funny and touching all the same. :)

I'm really bad with details but just to make everything short, I'm happy I got to know these people.

Hell yeah, it's gonna be bloody.

Five more nights and I'll be home. I've been really excited for the past few days, but a part of me now wants to stretched the days longer.

I'm stressed.

Home

One of the people from the office I am working in suddenly cried during lunch time yesterday. No one knew one what happened. Assumptions cluttered in my head but primarily, I thought that perhaps her secret boyfriend broke up with her.

I was wrong.

I realized that I often simplify my view of people. Everyone has different, multiple layers to complete them. It's only yesterday when I found out that she already lost both her parents. Her father died only two years ago and she lives on her own in a huge house. She still studies now and she has to pay for everything. The reason she suddenly cried was she felt very sick yesterday. Knowing there is no one to look after her when she is sick, she felt sorry for herself.

I wonder what it feels like being alone. I always say that I like doing things on my own. I really do, it's less hassle than having to come to a compromise with the group of people I'm with. But at the end of the day, it's still a different feeling coming home to a house filled with people who loves you and who will take you for who you are.

Ten days from now and I will be coming home. Surprisingly, the days feel longer. I am really longing to see my family and friends. I can already imagine the look on my Mom's face. And our dog. I most certainly want to see our dog.

At the bottom of the food chain

If it's a dog-eat-dog world, I wonder who eats all the dog food.

The world is dirty--literally and figuratively. People plays dirty games every single day. It's true what they say, life outside the academe is so much different. My initial perspective of the world--honest, pure, and true--was already tampered.

I remember when my former boss told me about how he puts his weakest staff on bait when the situation calls for it. He would do it, just so he could escape the blame. I was lucky I wasn't the weakest. I was next to weakest.

It's only after a year when I graduated that I realized that I am at the bottom of the food chain. When I left the university, I brought along its yabang. Then it hit me. No matter how good I am or where I graduated from, I'm still just a small pebble in a huge, huge world.

A few weeks ago, I read a blog about an Atenean who works as an Executive Assistant in a Law Firm. I realized I was very much mayabang. I refused to become an EA, saying that job wasn't from me. But then, today, I realized that everyone has to start from nothing. Going up the food chain might be tedious and hard, but it's something one must do.

However, I still refuse to eat a dog.

Selective forgetfulness

I'm sorry. I still haven't forgotten. I live each day moving forward, but there are times that I miss you so bad and I wish you were here. Year by year, I forget bit by bit. But there would come a time when it would all crash on me--all the memories when we were young until when we semi-grew up.

I remember one sunny day, when we were walking side by side and I asked you if you love me and you said you do, but not as much as you love your Mom or your brother. I thought it was fair, because I also love my family more than I love you. Silly thought, but I remember that day very vividly.

You are still my best friend. And I still miss you. I hope you can read my message, as I do everytime I remember you.

All sorts of happy

My second publication is almost finished after almost four months. I remember when my mom made me listen to a radio show about a writer who publishes children's books. The writer said that, "Writing is all about re-writing." It took me such a long time to finish a 34 page monograph because my editor, who is also my boss, is very meticulous with details. I could not thank her enough. All my mistakes were corrected and throughout the whole process, I've learned a lot about how to improve my work.

When I handed in my almost-final-draft yesterday, she told me that my layout and design were good. She added that of all the monographs that her company published, mine was very different. I took the word different positively, of course. She said it was very personal unlike the previously published ones. I was smitten. :">

Hihi. I'm happy she did not say it's "not that bad for a second publication" (no pun intended). Honestly, I was afraid of my boss at the beginning of my nine-month writing engagement with her company. Knowing that she's the best friend of my photography and visual design lecturer in the university, I thought that she also possessed the same excellence and meticulousness as he did. Well actually, she does. But I am happy that I learned stuff from her. Once, she told me that, "You don't have to know everything, you just have to surround yourself with people who do best with what they do." My problem is, I know little of maybe almost everything and I find discomfort in surrounding myself with excellent people. Hmmm.

EQOudohak12980IAKdiqouepqwe1029uqdhakdahda :DDD That's how I feel. All sorts of happy.

Beauty that never fades

I am blessed to get to have a trip back to Cambodia. Many people I talked with complained about how dirty the country is, but I have to say it's one of my favorite places on earth. It caught my heart ever since I found out what its people has been through.

Last week, I had the chance to witness the majestic beauty of Angkor Wat, the oldest temple in the world. I cannot help but marvel at its greatness. The intricate carvings on the walls, the detailed facial structures of the statues, everything was just plain awesome.

Plus the night market was awesome, too. :)

Waking up at 5:00 am and eating breakfast with eyes closed were worth it. Never seen sunrise as beautiful as this.

It's summer time, so the man-made lake surrounding the temples somehow dried. I wasn't able to capture the ever popular reflection shot perfectly. 

You can climb these stairs at your own risk. I heard some people already had some accidents because the steps were too steep. The temple in Pakse, Laos were as old as Angkor Wat and the steps up the temple were also as steep but somehow, climbing these stairs appeared more dangerous to me.

This is my Hagardo Versoza shot. My housemates were laughing when I told them how haggard my face was. Ate Mharra, who went to Angkor Wat in 2008, retrieved her pictures and realized that she also looked as Hagardo Versoza as I was.

Some statues had to be reconstructed, but I'm glad I could still see some in its original form.

They were "duck-facing" before it was cool. 

This is where Tomb Raider was shot in. I felt Angelina Jolie's presence all over.

The hunt is a lot sweeter than the kill.

Every writer I know has trouble writing. 

-Joseph Heller

I am glad someone retweeted @AdviceToWriters' tweets (If you are a writer, it is a must to follow him on Twitter) on my timeline. Today was one of those days in which I had to pretend I am okay even when I am not. I have a very minimal amount of confidence so I do not need anyone shoving in my face that my skills are just average.


Honestly, it is okay to be critiqued on my writing. I was never a writer. Alright, I used to think I can write. I used to think it came to be naturally. But then, I realized that there were other people who were better than I am.


But then, to be criticized by someone who tagged himself as "having no trouble writing" is a different story. I write, do layout and design, take photos. I am proud of my output. And I just cannot accept someone telling me that my second publication doesn't look bad for a second publication... especially that the way he uses the polygonal lasso tool on Photoshop leaves the image angular.


I am sorry, I just cannot stand people who make themselves appear bigger than they actually are.

Goodbye

Daily Gossip Subscription

I just came back to Laos from Vietnam last Thursday night and I am again leaving for Cambodia tomorrow. Real tight sched. I'm lucky it's sunny today, the clothes I washed earlier will surely dry.

I never thought I'll say this, but being away from home is finally biting me. Maybe because I hardly stay in one place. And it is quite tiring building relationships then having to say goodbye a week after.

Also, there were some stuff happening recently from the people around me that both scares and saddens me. It is hard being yourself when you are constantly being judged for the things you do. It is harder when everything you do is negatively taken by another person. And probably what's hardest is, having that negative thing about you spread to other people like a daily newspaper subscription. I dread gossips.

I only take people as they are. But now, I hate that I have to be wary around everyone and choose the people I trust.

Now, I miss my family and two true friends. /wrist

Don't mess with my things. Or I'll.. Or I'll.

I could not sleep last night. My roommate informed me that she found my pink notebook on her laptop bag, which means that the laptop bag I was using was now being used by someone else. It also means that my other things, documents and flash drive, are placed somewhere I do not know. I swore to God I wanted to fly all the way to Laos just to look for my things.

Of all the things I cannot tolerate, it’s meddling with my things. It is one thing my mom and I also argue about. She hates messy, I live with mess. I know I am one of those unorganized people, but no matter how messy my things are, I know where to find my things. It just sucks big time when people interfere with my own view of order.

I knew it. I really really knew it. A voice inside my head was whispering that I should bring that laptop bag to Vietnam. But I didn't! Now, I have again proven that I should listen to that little Cyrene inside of me. Ffffff.

The first thing I will do when I arrive in Vientiane on the 26^th is throw a fit. Kidding. I will find my suspect and torture him/her to death. Kidding. I will… of course, pray silently that my things are still to be found. So help me God.

This. Is. Hot.

Things fall apart

This is the first time I went to a church in three whole months. I wasn't a Catholic, but my heart was seemingly shouting that it needed some kind of refuge. I went there, but I did not know what to do. People were kneeling in front of the altar, doing the sign of the cross, but these were not the faith that I grew up to.

What if the gods were all up there in heaven? A random thought, I know. I know I'm supposed to think that my God is the only God there is, but I cannot help but think that perhaps other people's faith may be true, too. What if we are all correct in our faith?

I am not doubting my faith, I am just respecting other people's beliefs. A novel I read, "Things Fall Apart", made a huge impact on me. Basically, the story was about how the Africans were stripped off of their "natural faith" when the Europeans came and introduced Christianity. It's just hypocritical that those who spread Christianity were also the ones who turned them into slaves.

Today, I saw many Vietnamese coming to the Catholic Church to pray and worship. I should be happy that somehow they were introduced to the Christian faith, but I also cannot help but feel that they were the Africans in the novel mentioned.

Okay, I am not making any sense.

I'm a little bit of crazy
I'm a little bit of a fool
I'm a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all

Oh I need a cure
Just a little bit of you.

I told you it's a snack.

So a Chinese woman was entering the US through San Francisco. The man in customs asked her, "Have you got any food in there?" She said she haven't got any to which the man replied, "You Chinese are all the same, saying you haven't got any food but when we open your luggage, all we can see is food."

Coincidentally, the next person in line was an old Chinese woman. Again, the man asked, "Have you got any food there, Ma'am?" The old lady said, "No, just snack." Much to the man's annoyance, he exclaimed, "I just asked you if there's food in there!" Much more annoyed, the Chinese woman said, "Yes there is no food, just SNACK!" So there was no option left but to open the woman's luggage. Inside was a jar that took the man aback.

"I told you it's a snack!" the woman said with much pleasure on her face, walking away with her jar and her snake inside.

Tee hee. :D

Two days ago, I had lunch with a Singaporean (the anecdote above is her experience), a Canadian, three Vietnamese, and a Bicolana. It fascinates me how we all speak English and yet still misunderstand each other.

Today, while listening to the conversation of my two German companions, I could not help but imagine myself playing The Sims. Their accent sounded a lot like how the Sims talk.

I've always wondered how I sounded to someone else's ear. While walking one night on the streets of Phnom Penh, two Filipinos approached the group I'm with and asked if we got to Cambodia through the Piso promo of Cebu Pacific. For what reason only God knows. Anyways, one guy asked if I were Bisaya because according to him, I have this twang when I speak. But actually, I am pure-blooded Tagalog. My way of speaking is as sharp as a kitchen knife, thank you.

An American writer described Tagalog as "sing-song" while someone I know said it sounds "malambing." I hope it is the latter, because sometimes my ears kind of feel sore while listening to foreign sounds I do not understand.

Or maybe I just miss home. And Tagalog.

Pi Mai All Over Again! :)

I have never seen Lao people so alive and kicking. I always had the impression that they are very laid back that I could not imagine them partying all day on the streets. Sure the free party beside Mekong River ended at 7:30 PM but I could not blame them for doing so. Being wet all day, drunk with Beer Lao and occasional whiskey, I would also go straight to bed past seven.

Happy 3rd day of Pi Mai! :)

Free food and beer. And wine cooler. Hihi. I like.

Drumuh.

Drumuh part two. Haha.

With the beautiful Somsa.

My favorite kakulitans! :)

Sabaide Pi Mai! :)

Yesterday marked the start of almost a week-long New Year celebration here in Laos. It literally flooded water... With flowers, beer, food, and powder included.

Didn't know Cathy can sing

Love her more! :)

The Great Pakse Adventure Part 2

So, minutes ago, I said I'm going to sleep. I couldn't. So I give you part 2 of my Pakse trip! :)

The next day, we were set to travel again for more than an hour going to, guess what, another waterfall. The name of the waterfalls is Khone Pha Pheng. This time, I am quite sure. I searched it on Google. Hihi.

Presenting, the largest waterfall in Southeast Asia!

I swear, the view was breathtaking. I've never seen such beauty my whole life. At the same time, I saw how the currents rush through, slapping the edgy and slippery rocks. While taking pictures, I also thought my life was at stake. Anyone who would fall to the waters would surely die. I was told that people can go rafting here, but I wouldn't even dare think about doing it.

Compared to the medium sized-waterfall in the previous post, it was really hot there in Khone Pha Pheng. Maybe it's the rocks. But I don't know the scientific explanation behind that.

The next site was the ruins of an old temple. I searched Google with keywords "old temple in Pakse" and it showed different names. So I don't know which one is correct. Anyways, I was told by a Lao colleague that the temple was built the same time as Angkor Wat.

Photocredits to the photographer in the temple. Hihi.

It was exhausting going up the steep steps of the temple but the experience was amazing. I am close to converting to Buddhism. Oh oh. My dad won't like reading this.

Don't tell my parents I prayed to Buddha, they might not let me go home. Hihi.

So there you have it, my Great Pakse Adventure! :)

The Great Pakse Adventure Part 1

A week after, I finally had the motivation to write about my great adventure at Pakse.

Pakse is a Southern city (not sure if city or district or whatevs) in Laos that is more than ten hours drive from Vientiane Capital. Me and my colleagues thought that Pakse is just another city in Laos--the normal rust-colored dust filled roads with slim trees and grasses all over. We were wrong. Pakse is my kind of place. It's a city in a forest. Or something like that.

We left VTE at around six in the morning--no breakfast, no shower, just us and the road. All we ever did was sleep, eat, sing, sleep, talk, then sleep some more. Photos of those sleeping were taken, but they were too hideous to be shown. Mine was the worst.

So, let me just jump over our first day at Pakse, minus the one day travel.

This is the I-forgot-what-its-called mini-waterfalls. Read along, and see more waterfalls!

It wasn't really a jaw-dropping site. In fact, I thought we weren't there yet when we arrived. But the area was really relaxing and comfy. The air was fresh and cool. Real taste of nature, must I say.

Next stop, we went to another waterfall. This trip was filled with waterfall sites.

I'm not sure if the name of this waterfall is Pusawan, but I'm betting on this rock that it is its name. 

It was a great view, but it's a long trek down to get the full view of this falls. My right knee injury relapsed, but it is worth it. I get to see a rainbow up close. Now that I said that, I didn't see any pot of gold at any ends of the rainbow. Sad face.

Yep, I was so tired that I cried. Jk. Drama. 

To end our day, we had dinner at a floating restaurant beside the Mekong river. The view of the city lights were amazing. Food was great, too. And yeah! I get to sing. 

Joke. They wouldn't let me even if I wanted to.

Ah, I'm so sleepy. I shall continue Day Two soon. 

Night night. :)