It might be that I have successfully wasted another day at home that led me to be all emotional when the sun disappeared. I always feel this way during sunset. I feel direction-less and sad.
I am always at a lost for words, which is really quite strange considering I get paid for my two to three syllable, simple-constructed words. Which were sometimes constructed in a grammatically incorrect manner. Or oftentimes violate the rules of writing, if there ever were any rules.
I woke up today at around 7am. I know, I was quite surprised I woke up that early, too. Home alone, I watched a 1999 Drew Barrymore movie called "Never Been Kissed." My boss had repeatedly asked me to watch it, saying I can connect to the story. And I somehow did.
Like Josie (Drew's character), I have dreams that I've always want to fulfill but certain inhibitions are pulling me back. I know I have written several times how I think I am incompetent and stuff. I can't help it, doing this always takes away the feeling of carrying a huge stone inside my chest.
There's this scene in the movie when Josie and Sam rode a Ferris wheel together. Sam, being Sam's teacher, tried to comfort her anxieties away by telling her what might have been her future. He said guys would be lining up to her when she grows older. That's exactly what my grandma told me, it never happened. Anyways, Sam also said that some people will always be rattling cages. That's exactly how I feel. I've always felt that I will always be a rattling cage.
I wish I can be more relaxed and less stressed about life.
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