'Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But I'd rather be here than on land.

Sick :(

I didn't sing in the shower, I couldn't be bothered to look for clothes to wear, I had no appetite for breakfast. It is for certain, I am sick.

I could not express how much I miss my Mom, not even to her. I am quite brave in some things to some extent, but I easily lose heart when I am sick. It's always my Mom who takes care of me when my health is deteriorating, please excuse the exaggeration, so I cannot help but miss her. Of course, the people here checks up on my condition every now and then, but having my Mom near me is still a different story.

This is the first time I feel like I wanted to go home.

February and March are probably the months I dread the most. These months are the transition months in the Philippines. From the slightly cold Christmas months of December and January, the country starts to heat up starting February. February also marks the start of the closing of another school year. This means more deadlines to beat, more exams to finish, and more requirements to hand in. The weather, plus all the school pressure, beats my health to its very core. For three consecutive years, I had been hospitalized on the months mentioned for at least a week for diseases like Dengue and Typhoid Fever. Yep, diseases which involves poor immune system.

That is why I am afraid. I really hope I become better. Or else, I have to go to the Hopital. Yes, you read that right, Hopital not Hospital. :(

I am hurt.

Wonderstruck

I stepped out of the plane feeling like a Sio Mai on a hot steam. Coming from a tropical country, I know I have no right to complain about the hot weather here in Cambodia, which is also known as "The Land of Wonders". I was wishing to drag on the days; I wanted to go back to Vientiane as soon as possible.

But now that the day of my departure has come, I don't feel like coming back home. One week is way too short to enjoy the wonders of this country.

Who doesn't love shopping? Here in Phnom Pehn, you can shop all you can for cheaps. American brands can be bought at a very cheap price since those products were manufactured here. I was airsick when I arrived due to the bumpy air ride but retail therapy had proven to be effective in curing any sickness. On my first day I spent more or less a hundred dollars on clothes, half of my allotted budget for a whole week. I may come out of this country broke but I was more than satisfied with all the stuff I bought. 

Airsick as hell. :(

I went to Tuol Sleng on my third day here. Visiting this old prison gave me a better view of Cambodians. I was forewarned by a colleague about a lot of things about them but my visit gave me a better understanding of how and why they came to be like that. I was told that no one has the right to feel miserable unless s/he is from this country. Because of the civil war, they lost a part of their humanity.

Such an eerie place. It's as if the souls of the people are

still inside, being tortured even in after life.

Prisoners were cuffed, hands and feet, and 

left with no food until they die.

I do not like History. I know that with the past, we can understand the present and possibly predict our future, but something about it bores me. But not with the Cambodian history. I used to feel utterly sad about how Spaniards conquered the Philippines and abused my fellowmen. But Cambodians experienced a hundred times more torture. Or maybe more.

During the Khmer Rouge regime, 2 million victims were tortured, women and children included. Many died. Inside the Genocide Museum, you can see pictures of each victims posted. Some of them even smiling, not knowing what about to happen.

My heart was murdered when I saw this heartbreaking picture:

This is a picture of a woman with her baby in her arms. Her head was screwed with a hole until she dies. Her eyes were open, but it was sad and lifeless. :(

I was glad to meet one of the seven survivors who were prisoned at the time when the Vietnamese came to fight the civil war that reigning power created. Everyday, he comes to Tuol Sleng to share his experiences to tourists who would like to know about what happened in the past.

Phary, a Cambodian who took me around the area, told me that out of the 500 people who visited Toul Sleng, only about 50 people were locals while the rest are foreigners. I was also told by a foreigner who works with Cambodians that the new generation of Cambodians do not know their history. They were afraid that this might happen to them again.

I was looking forward to visiting the Royal Palace, where the King resides. However, the Myanmar Prime Minister came for a visit so the palace was closed for a day. Sad face. 

No school for these kids today, the PM of Myanmar 

was coming. FYI, PNoy is coming next week.

I would love to see Filipino flags all over Phnom Pehn.

Picture OUTSIDE the Royal Palace

I also wanted to visit Angkor Wat. But I found out that it is six hours from where I was. Phary told me that she feels sad about most Cambodians dying without even stepping foot in Angkor Wat. I suddenly felt a tinge of pain in my chest. I haven't been to most of my own country's "wonders".

Because I am creative like that, I managed to take a picture in Angkot Wat. A replica of it, that is.

I will miss the people I have met here in Cambodia. Aside from the amazing places I've seen, my one-week company made my stay a blast. Too bad they wouldn't read this blog. But I'm still thankful to these people.

Oh before I forgot. I ate Spidey's friend. Sorry, Spidey, I still love you to the bones.

This is perhaps the best memory of Cambodia that I will carry on for the rest of my life. 

I ATE A FCKING SPIDER.

Now I finally have something to be proud of.

I. Cannot. Wait.

Until it becomes available on torrent. 

I'm filled with bitterness today. Thanks.

There was nothing I desired more than a Literary Arts Award. I never wanted a Best in Math or Best in English, a Highest Honor even. All I knew, in my mind back then, was I deserved that award. But it took me four years to finally get what I wanted.

I wasn't a teacher's pet. I wasn't a favorite. Well, except for one class where I got the highest grade for behavior. Probably because I've grown a sense of pity, or whatever word is more suitable, to the teacher being bullied by my fellow classmates. There were those teachers who, as the society say, were civil with me. Some were okay, some obviously showed their hate towards me. I could not ever forget the teacher who made me act in front of everyone despite my refusal from the beginning. Or the teacher who said I was acting up when I was really sick.

And then that teacher who told my class that even if one is an honor student, if s/he did not receive a special awards, she was just a plain honor student. Thanks for adding salt to my wounds, Ma'am. She's one of my favorite teachers, though. My desire for that Literary Arts Award grew more intense than ever.

I joined one Essay Writing Contest to another. And some story making contests. I won some, then some I lost. But each year, I know I've won some, alongside some poster making contests. But I never wanted an Arts Award for those. I still wanted that Literary Arts Award.

On my third year in High School, I was really expecting a Literary Arts Award, especially when I overheard a classmate saying that she had one even though she did not won any writing contests. To think that our English class only studied one short poem the whole year, I don't think she, or any of us for that matter, added any significant insight to the four stanzas of Richard Cory.

But I won first place. I never got a Literary Arts Award.

I asked my teacher about it, he said he forgot. I was too late, he said. The awardees were already submitted to the principal. That is perhaps the first time I cried because of a school matter.

Then came my fourth year. Of course, they would give me a Literary Arts Award; they knew I wanted it. I got elected the president of the Language Club, which only existed by name. There were members, I barely knew them and vice versa. They voted for me, of course. I was a Senior and would take up a Communication course in College. And I got a seat as a writer in our school paper.

And so I finally got a Literary Arts Award. Somehow, though, I felt as if I did not deserve it anymore. They gave it to me just when the fruits of my labor were already rotten. 

This is the reason why I hate writing.

And this is the reason why teachers should pay attention to their students. They should know their students. Because not knowing them will affect their lives in the future. They might turn into one bitter, self-conscious, never-good-enough person like I am.

I never had your heart.

We were never meant to be.

Women's Day

To honor the women in the office, we get to have free lunch--all expenses paid by the office. :)

Right after lunch, we get to have free ice cream, too. I'm just so happy I am a woman. We were flooded with ice cream of all sorts!

The baby on the right side of the picture below envied my ice cream greed. No way would I let you take a bite. Hihihihi *Evil laugh*

Turned out I'm not the only one celebrating the free food!

I am not really a fan of ice cream, but all things taste better when it's free. LOL

After lunch, I accompanied Ate Leslie to various tourists spots in Vientiane. Case-in-point: Tourists spots meaning temples LOL

Though Im generally happy for this day, I can't help but miss the best woman I know. My mom! Sending all my love to the greatest woman who ever graced this planet. Love you Mama! Miss you to bits! :)

You're giving me a reason to walk away.

Never be sick again

"If you want to do something for me, don't get sick. Ever," says Lisa, a third grader character from the movie "Invisible Sign."

I can somehow relate to this kid. When I was 17, my mom got sick. I was devastated. Everything used to fall into a perfectly harmless normalcy of life until this happened. Just when my mom was getting better, my first godchild and bestfriend was diagnosed with Leukemia. It seemed like these two incidents weren't enough, just before the death of my bestfriend, my favorite uncle died of stroke.

Perhaps my college professor did not understand what I meant when I wrote in her attendance sheet that all I wanted in life was never to be sick again. She wrote back, in cursive green letters, that it is inevitable to get sick.

I never want to have that sick feeling again. I don't want to feel that in any moment, someone's about to leave me.

Waking up to the wrong sound of the room

Maybe I just made this up, but like an old clothing forgotten in a closet, I uncovered a piece of information in the back of my head telling me that our ears function the fastest as soon as we wake up. I'm too lazy to validate that.

I think I woke up in the wrong side of the bed, or probably woke up to the wrong sound in the room, that's why I'm feeling all bummed out this morning. 90's discos, electro-pop, or other too energetic music--I can still tolerate that even in my early morning nausea. But waking up to the sound of a person complaining over money, I can't ever tolerate that.

Money for me is superficial. It shouldn't be the root of any argument, and yet it tears people apart. I've witnessed relationships going down the drain because of it. I grew up seeing people suck up to my family when we had something to give and then leaving us when our plates went empty. This is, perhaps, the primary reason why I distrust money. Yeah, people will respect and admire you for having a lot, but all that is fake. When times get harder, they won't be there for you.

I am not saying that I dislike money. It's like "Money is the root of all evils" and "The love of money is the root of all evils" kind of difference. I need money to live, but I will not live just for my need of money.

My mom's business enterprise went bankrupt because she was way too generous to people who cared only for her money. People tell me I'm too stingy, but I am just a product of what I've experienced. I'd never trust people who love money far too much than people.

Pattana

This is a temple called That Luang in Vientiane, Laos. Downtown, after seeing the real temple, I saw a postcard of the it in the old times. Before, it was surrounded by a vast of trees. It looked peaceful and sacred. However, now, the trees were turned into concrete. No sign of greeneries could be seen except for some potted plants and trees. This is one of the moments when I wish I could travel back in time.

I look cross eyed in this pic :( and fat T^T

After the temple visit, me and my colleagues went to a Chinese restaurant. I miss eating siomai a lot. And tonight I have proven myself unlucky again. Out of the eight people with me, I got my food last. Everyone was finished eating when my dish was served. T.T

But it's okay. There's nothing strawberry shake can fix. At least for me. 

Ciao~

Happy Graduation Month! :)

It suddenly dawned on me that when April 26 kicks in, it will be a year since I graduated from college. I don't usually regret things in the past, but for some reason I could not identify, I suddenly felt saddened that I slept through the whole of my Graduation rites. The only thing I could vividly recall was the long time I waited in line to finally get my diploma.

I worked hard for four years (actually not really) to get to that moment and I just let that moment slip away. I don't know why I was tired that day that I fell asleep as soon as I sat on my chair. I wish I had good memories of that moment to look back into.

Let's see, so after a year, how have I changed? I'm still in my student mentality. I see my boss as my teacher. My officemates as my classmates. My housemates as my dormmates. Yeah, I haven't changed much.

Or maybe I have. Because I didn't live in a dorm in college. Ha ha.

Way back in college, the only friends I had were my also my HS friends. Me being in the same town since HS did not help much in enhancing my social skills. It was only in my third year that I finally learned how to open myself up to new people.

With the current work I have, I've seen people come and go. The room I stay in is called "transient room" as people coming would just stay for a week, a month, and very rarely a year. I interview people that I'd only meet maybe once in my whole lifetime. I find it amazing that I can actually do these. I have to give my self-declared homebody a pat in the back.

Anyways, congratulations to the people graduating this March! And sorry I can't be there. :(

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
You catch me when I'm falling
You told me who I am
I AM YOURS