Saturday, October 24, 2015

There are ghosts in my head that keep haunting me.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Don't ask me

It must be the way your lashes curl
Or how soft your lips are.
It must be
So don't ask me what I like about you,
because there are far too many to identify just one.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Unhpy

Gone were the days when I'd try to escape all the memories I had of you. It used to hurt, hurt so bad, when I remember even a piece of who you are. I dared not to touch, or even think, of anything that relates to you. But it was so difficult, because everything used to be about you.

Recently, I have been thinking about you again. Not the kind of passive thinking, but voluntarily wanting to think about you. I try to convince myself that it doesn't hurt no more, because I've managed to believe that after more than half a year that being apart from you is the best decision I've made my whole life.

It was and I still believe it is.

But it is also the unhappiest choice I ever made. When I decided to make the final cut of not ever having any sort of connection with you again, it was liberating. I was finally strong enough to walk away from you. But now, as each day pass by, you're getting farther and farther away from me.

I remember that one time when you told me you walk too fast while I go too slow but even when you go ahead of me, there will always be a point where we'll meet. I stopped fantasizing that one day we'll bump into each other and you'll realize I'm the one for you. I'm over the idea that one day we'll see face to face and understand why we never were, no more lies and excuses. But then again, there's a tiny hope in my heart that one day it will come true and you'll think that leaving me was the unhappiest choice you ever made.

You're the only thing I ever loved unconditionally aside from my family, for the arts,travel, and sleep. And this is probably why I could never love again. Because, with a love like that, you still chose to break me.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Labor of love

You know how when someone loves to do one thing, it reflects in the results of his/her work? This is how I feel whenever I enjoy my Mom's cooking. I am ever thankful that my God blessed me with a mother who cooks like a pro. I'm telling you, every dining experience is worthwhile.

It is one of my dreams to immortalize my mom's recipe in a cookbook. I somehow haven't started to work on that yet, but I surely will in the future. If I get rich too, I'll definitely give her a restaurant where she could share with more people her talents and skills.

One day!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Thinking of you, Mi

Please try listening to Katy Perry’s “Thinking of You” as you read this article.

Mid-October last year, I received a free phone from Smart Telecommunications for my postpaid plan. It was a Xiaomi Mi 3 phone, a smartphone made by the Chinese.

Most people would frown (especially here in the Philippines) if they would hear your phone is from China. They have this connotation that Chinese phones are mostly unreliable and easily breakable. Just the sound of “Xiaomi” is pretty much worth the eyebrow raise.

However, as opposed to the general public’s opinion (even the sales person from Smart who suggested I take the LG phone instead), I still took the Mi 3. It was the best decision (as a rebel to the public) I ever made.

Four months into the happy relationship my phone and I have made, it was prematurely taken away from me. Just yesterday morning, another commuter tale worth telling, my phone was stolen by a middle-aged man in the jeepney. I was heartbroken.

Now, as I am using a generic smartphone (please cue in “Comparisons are easily done…”), memories of my Mi 3 surfaces. Oh how my fingers loved its Gorilla glass. Oh how I easily navigated in and out of its MIUI. Oh how I miss how it captures pictures I see with my eyes. Mi 3 and I were perfect.
But alas, just like every other good thing, it must end. I must live with it and go on with my life. I have to be an adult and accept what has happened. Block my sim number (but I was able to get a sim replacement and as of the moment waiting for its reactivation), send emails to all my applications to delete my account, and change passwords.

As much as I miss my Mi 3, the thing I worry about most is what’s in it. The delicate private stuff we put in our phones could be used against us. I know for one that if that person is more evil than I thought, he could put my life in great danger. Even my loved ones. Amazing how a single device that is meant to make our life easy can also destroy us.


So, lesson learned here is: never text and commute. There are people out there who like to prey on people when opportunities arise. Never give them that opportunity. Keep yourself and your things safe.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

That thing called tadhana

Akala ko naman naka-fully move on na ako pagkatapos kong manood ng That Thing Called Tadhana na hindi pinapatakan ng luha. Akala ko, finally, I am strong enough to move forward and completely forget about you.

Kaso hindi pala. Para ka namang lagnat e. Akala ko pagnakainom na ako ng Biogesic, okay na. Hanggang magparamdam ka ulit at heto sinisinat na naman ako.

Bakit parang nararamdaman ko na naman yung unang araw ng sakit noong iniwan mo ako? I validated this after chainsmoking two sticks of cig after arriving at work at freaking 10AM in the morning. Wala na naman ako sa katinuan ko. Wala na naman akong maisip gawin sa buhay ko. Para na naman akong tanga.

Naisip ko kanina habang nasa jeep ko na baka kaya walang nagkakagusto sakin kasi napakarami kong dala-dalang bagahe. Para akong laging may excess baggage. Parang si Mace. Hayan na naman, narerelate ko na naman ang sarili ko sa mga karaktre sa pelikula. Masama to.

Pero alam mo, ang pinaka-favorite kong part doon sa movie ay nung nagpunta si Mace at Anthony sa Sagada. Napaaga kasi sila ng dating doon kaya hindi pa nila makikita yung view sa cliff. Tapos sabi ni Mace "Ano ba yan maghihintay na naman?" Sabi naman ni Anthony, "Pramis, it's worth the wait." Heto siguro ang nararamdaman ko, heto na naman naghihintay na naman ako. Kasi ang totoo lang, sobrang nakakapagod maghintay. Lalo na kung wala namang kasiguraduhan na may darating.

Ah, may isa pa pala akong paboritong line. Yung sabi ni Anthony nakakaoverwhelm daw yung pagmamahal ni Mace. Yung tipong ganong pagmamahal ay tiyak maibabalik sa kanya. Sana ganoon din para sa akin. Kasi kahit ako naooverwhelm ako sa pagmamahal ko sayo. Iniisip ko nga, bakit ba kita nagustuhan? Bakit ba kita minahal ng ganito? Eh para na akong tanga. Baka isumbat na sa akin ng magulang ko ang ginastos nila sa pag-aaral ko.

Eh wala e, nakakatanga nga lang talaga ang pagmamahal.

Tatapusin ko ang blog entry na ito sa gasgas na gasgas nang quote ni Fitzgerald dahil sa movie na yan: "There are different kinds of love, but never the same love twice." Oo, totoo yan. Kasi panigurado, nag-iisa lang ang pagmamahal na binigay ko sayo.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The three month rule

Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, dapat daw palipasin ang tatlong buwan after ng break-up bago pumasok sa bagong relasyon. Ewan ko, hindi naman ako magaling sa mga ganyang bagay. Sa dinami-dami ng mga bagay na nagpapakagaling-galingan ako, sa aspetong yan ako major failure.

Sumapit lang sa utak ko yang konseptong yan ngayon-ngayon lang. Tapos napatingin ako sa orasan dito sa computer ko. Lampas isang araw na pala ang tatlong buwan simula noong iniwan mo ako. Pakiramdam ko ayos na ako. Laking iniayos ko na simula noong nawala ka.

Alam mo ba na noong lumipas ang isang buwan simula noong naghiwalay tayo ay sobrang depressed ko. Naisip ko, isang buwan na hindi ka pa din nabalik. Dati kasi pinakamatagal na siguro ang 5 araw na magkaaway tayo. Pakiramdam ko nga noon eternity na yun, yung isang buwan pa kaya? Pero hindi ka na talaga bumalik e. Oo, sinubukan mo pero hindi ako convinced. Malamang hindi nga ikaw ang prince charming ko.

Natutuwa lang ako kasi hindi na masakit katulad ng dati. Hindi na ikaw ang laging laman ng utak ko. Natutuwa nga ako kasi mas marami na akong bagong hobby ngayon. I have more time for myself. Hindi na sayo umiikot ang mundo ko.

Sinimulan ko na nga magjogging, mag-aerobics, at saka magfloor works. Determinado na talaga ako to be the best version of myself for myself. 2015 will be a great year for me and I'm claiming it! Mga nakakalunod na positivity nalang ang ginagawa ko for now.

Kagabi ay nalasing na naman ako. Kumanta sa videoke ganyan. Pero alam mo, mas hindi ko na feel ang mga kanta ngayon. Dati kasi nahihit ko ang mga notes kasi damang-dama ko ba. Ngayon sintunado na ulit ako pag nakanta ng "Thinking of You" at "The One That Got Away" ni Katy Perry. Di ko na sila ma-feel.

Pero alam mo, paglagpak ng katawan ko sa kama ko, habang mabilis na pinaiikot ng espiritu ng alkohol ang mundo ko, naalala kita. Umiyak nga ako e. Pero it's the kind of cry not because I'm hurting because I lost you (or you lost me). Pakiramdam ko I am finally free. Siguro naiyak lang ako kasi heightened ang emotions ko nang panahong yun. Pero hindi na ako bothered sa nangyari sa atin. Natanggap ko na na hanggang doon nalang tayo.

Tapos ayon. Pagkagising ko ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ay "Fuck the morning afters". Kasi sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Hindi ako makabangon, nakakatawa. Tapos naalala ko din yung quote na gustong gusto ko. Yung love is the high that tops all highs. Naisip ko, ang high nga ng alkohol at yosi sobrang sakit na sa ulo pag natapos ang ligaya. Eh kung love is the high that tops all highs, sobrang lagapak pala ang sakit ng pagkawala ng pag-ibig.

Pero katulad ng kahit anong hangover, nawawala din naman e. Kaunting tulog, kaunting inom ng kape, kaunting kain, choks na ulit magwalwal.

Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan (napakabilis pala), nawala na din finally ang pagka-hangover ko sayo. :)

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Magic words


Three words, eight letters, say it and I'm yours.

But this time, it is not "I love you."

Because I know we can love just anyone. We can easily say, "Hey,I love how your hair falls on your shoulders," or "I love this day" and not mean it. We can say you love everyone and everything without conviction, because that's how we are: we love everyone and everything so easily, so quickly. 

I need you. These are the words I need to hear. Because so rarely do we hear people say that. Have you ever felt like your day won't be complete without hearing a word from that someone? Have you ever felt like giving up on life if you know your other half won't be there anyways? I have. You may argue that this love is being selfish and clingy. But one thing I'm sure of; this kind of love was true and real.

I only wanted one, I only wanted that one person I thought I needed. Though things have changed now, I realized that more than anything in the world, I want to be needed.

It's weird how we can say we love someone, but is still capable of leaving them behind. So I was thinking, perhaps, if that someone needed me, I wouldn't be so alone now.