Stranger

I unintentionally skipped church today and my parents were like I'd go to hell and that I became a backslider. I want to emphasize on "unintentionally" because I never really intended to skip church. My mom's voice was shaking as she told me about how people at church were asking why I missed it and that I had the most photos shown at the presentation at church today and that I wasn't there to give a testimony on the church's anniversary. My brother said my mom and I were like match sticks and gas, we could set anything aflame any time of the day.

Because nobody is listening to my side of my story, I'd like to share my side with you.

My mom said I was still sleeping when they left home. Wrong! I was already awake. It's true that I slept at 3:30 am today but I really tried my best to wake up at 9am. By 10 am, I was already dressed up for church. However, I couldn't find my leggings inside my closet. I looked everywhere, but to no avail.

So, it's true that I have other clothes to wear, but I am that kind of person who's dead set about wearing something for the day. I was also expecting to go to my company's lunch gathering today so I really must wear that.

But then again, I forgot to RSVP to the said lunch gathering. I looked at the email sent to me and realized that my friend, who was bugging me to go with her, had the wrong date in mind. The lunch gathering was next week. By this time, it's already 10:30 am. To be honest, I don't want to arrive in the middle of the Pastor's sermon. Apparently, today was a testimonial day at church.

Okay, while I was reading my side of story, I think it's kind of lame. But I tell you, I didn't plan this to happen. My parents, especially my mom, were very angry as if I really planned not to go. Most Sundays, I do plan some excuses not to go to church, but I overcame them and eventually still go. I am on the verge of backsliding, but I tell you, I am doing my best to fight it. I just need time. The least I need right now are people judging me about how wrong I am and making me feel really unholy.

The church used to be my home. Now, I feel like an outcast. People treat me as if I'm a stranger. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I know I am supposed to go there for the Lord only, but I know the church is also supposed to strengthen fellow brothers and sisters who are weak and poor. When I go there, I feel weaker and poorer. Sorry to say.

I am not closing my doors. I just need to feel God again. I need to feel his real existence. I wish I could. If you pray, I hope you can pray for me. Because right now, I can't even say a word to God. I feel ashamed and unworthy and useless.