Last Day of Freedom

After drowning myself in the lonely, dark abyss of the online world for a month, I am readying myself to face reality again. Reality. Oh boy, I'm getting the chills.

Actually I am a tiny bit excited... Alright, not tiny bit excited but excited in the most appropriate amount. I really want to see my boss and co-workers after having a not so very productive month-long vacation. Yeah, I changed... a lot! I used to think that I'd rather confine myself in the safety of my parent's abode. Now, I want to see people and get to know them, and travel to new places, and learn a new language.

I found my youth. :)

I beg you to [let me] travel

When I was a Sophomore in College, we were asked to compare ourselves to one thing. I said "shoes" because "I wanna go places." That was half-true. I could not think of anything else to say at that moment, and "going to places" sounded legit, so I said it.

I was told by my Dad that words are powerful. And I have proof that it is true. Though I nonchalantly pronounced those words, the almighty power above us did not took that as a joke. And early on this year, I said I wanna go out of the box. He did let me get out--more than a thousand miles away.

I am rather thankful that God took my words seriously. I went out there in the Indochina region, clueless about what's in store for me. The quote up there from Henry Rollins is so true. Traveling opens your eyes to many things, let you see things in a different perspective. How I see the world now has humbled me. I now know that there are a lot of things out there for me to discover, for me to see.

I was bitten by the travel bug. If I could, I would travel and see the world.

Never been... anything, actually.

It might be that I have successfully wasted another day at home that led me to be all emotional when the sun disappeared. I always feel this way during sunset. I feel direction-less and sad.

I am always at a lost for words, which is really quite strange considering I get paid for my two to three syllable, simple-constructed words. Which were sometimes constructed in a grammatically incorrect manner. Or oftentimes violate the rules of writing, if there ever were any rules.

I woke up today at around 7am. I know, I was quite surprised I woke up that early, too. Home alone, I watched a 1999 Drew Barrymore movie called "Never Been Kissed." My boss had repeatedly asked me to watch it, saying I can connect to the story. And I somehow did.

Like Josie (Drew's character), I have dreams that I've always want to fulfill but certain inhibitions are pulling me back. I know I have written several times how I think I am incompetent and stuff. I can't help it, doing this always takes away the feeling of carrying a huge stone inside my chest.

There's this scene in the movie when Josie and Sam rode a Ferris wheel together. Sam, being Sam's teacher, tried to comfort her anxieties away by telling her what might have been her future. He said guys would be lining up to her when she grows older. That's exactly what my grandma told me, it never happened. Anyways, Sam also said that some people will always be rattling cages. That's exactly how I feel. I've always felt that I will always be a rattling cage.

I wish I can be more relaxed and less stressed about life.

Today was super awesome

I knew everything was being weird. People were acting weird, it's as if they were hiding something from me. It's as if they take joy in leaving me behind.

Then, voila, my officemates planned a surprise party for me. It was a hybrid of a farewell, a welcome, and a birthday party. Farewell, because I will be leaving Laos on the 3rd of June. Lao was my home for the last four months. My stay here reminded me of how to be happy with the simplest things. Welcome, because I accepted a six-month contract extension with this company. And birthday party, because the newest Lao staff who cannot speak English quite well yet thought that it was my birthday today.

Before having dinner, I was blessed by the Buddhist monks with a Basi ceremony. Dimsum filled the table for dinner. I was happy. The cake had curly chocolate toppings in tribute to my curly hair. Everyone gave me a message which almost made me cry. The local Lao staff also gave me little notes with really nice messages. Maybe someday soon I will publish some of the notes. They're funny and touching all the same. :)

I'm really bad with details but just to make everything short, I'm happy I got to know these people.

Hell yeah, it's gonna be bloody.

Five more nights and I'll be home. I've been really excited for the past few days, but a part of me now wants to stretched the days longer.

I'm stressed.

Home

One of the people from the office I am working in suddenly cried during lunch time yesterday. No one knew one what happened. Assumptions cluttered in my head but primarily, I thought that perhaps her secret boyfriend broke up with her.

I was wrong.

I realized that I often simplify my view of people. Everyone has different, multiple layers to complete them. It's only yesterday when I found out that she already lost both her parents. Her father died only two years ago and she lives on her own in a huge house. She still studies now and she has to pay for everything. The reason she suddenly cried was she felt very sick yesterday. Knowing there is no one to look after her when she is sick, she felt sorry for herself.

I wonder what it feels like being alone. I always say that I like doing things on my own. I really do, it's less hassle than having to come to a compromise with the group of people I'm with. But at the end of the day, it's still a different feeling coming home to a house filled with people who loves you and who will take you for who you are.

Ten days from now and I will be coming home. Surprisingly, the days feel longer. I am really longing to see my family and friends. I can already imagine the look on my Mom's face. And our dog. I most certainly want to see our dog.