A daughter's heartbreak

Tonight, I saw my mom silently crying.

Having such an avoiding personality, situations like this were really difficult for me. I don't know the right words to say, or even the right gesture to make. I don't know how to comfort people, I don't know anything about making all the sadness and frustration disappear. I'm just always a distant, speechless, useless being.

I can still remember when my mom had her first seizure attack a few months ago. It was nearly dawn and there's something in me that's keeping me from having a deep sleep. I was for sure asleep, but in some ways, I was convinced that my mind was left functioning. It all appeared too dreamy for me. My head was up in the clouds, and yet, my senses were so keen.

For some strange reason, the door to my bedroom was half-opened. I can't remember if my eyes were open, but I'm certain that I saw my mother falling down, almost hitting her head at the edge of our kitchen sink. I've no idea how I got beside her in just a matter of seconds, but I was just standing there--not knowing what to do or what to say.

I didn't even touch her, or called for her name. I thought to myself alone, that my mom was dying. My heart was all twisted and yet I can't get my body to come and save her. Or even held her in my embrace.

I called on my father and he immediately rose from bed. He was also crying so hard that it made me think even more that my mother was gone. He instructed me to get some help from our neighbors and I ran all the way out.

Run. That's the best I could do--run away from things just to avoid pain and suffering, run away because I can't help myself and have to get others to fix my own problems.

And that's what I'm doing now. I'm still running away. Running away by writing all of these because I don't have the courage to say it out loud.

Tonight, I saw my mom silently crying. And I don't know the right words to cheer her up. I don't know how to make things better. I wish I could tell her I'd trade anything in the world just to make her hurting stop. I really wish I could.