How do you know if you find "the one"?

I'm a sucker for true love. I am so in love with the idea of love, it's insane. On idle moments, I have a silent conversation with God to please, please let me meet that person for me immediately.

While he is stuck in traffic, or misreading his map, or busy doing something else, I take joy in talking with people who are lucky enough to find their other half. I always ask these people, "how did you know that he/she is the one?"

They always have the same answer. "You won't really know."

All these movies I watched fooled me, then. I've always thought it's a ground-shaking, heart-stopping, eventful moment when you meet that one person. But apparently, it's not. It could happen, but it mostly doesn't.

"It's choosing the same person everyday, whatever the circumstances are," my married friends told me.

Making a choice sometimes is difficult, but it is necessary for a relationship to thrive. It is committing to the same person even if you find something better, even if times are difficult.

Someday, I hope I find that one true love who would choose me, every single day every single time.

Recovery

There are things that were hard for me to believe in until I finally experienced them first hand. One concrete example of this is completely forgetting everything that happened last night because you were so drunk. I thought people just used this as an excuse for their unexpected behavior the night before. Apparently, this is a fact of life.

On one of the nights I decided that binge drinking was the cure to my heart's broken state, I finally hit my all time high. After a couple of shots, I completely lost myself. It was like taking photographs in super long exposures. The blind spots were longer than what was currently happening. All I could remember that night was I was drinking with strangers, singing a duet on a karaoke with a person I barely know, my friends carrying me on the way to their favorite mamihan (which is not my favorite due to the thick soup), and me puking inside the shop. I collapsed in the extra bed of my friend's apartment, with her roommates covering me with a folded blanket. I was so drunk I actually thought the blanket was only half of a size of a human, so I suffered the whole night in the cold, simply because I did not have the brains to actually unfold the blanket. They still laugh until now because of that blanket incident.

And that is definitely not my proudest moment.

One good thing though is that I know for sure that these things happen. It is not simply a myth. But using myself as my very own experimental rat is not a very good idea. The past few weeks, I was battling perhaps my lowest point in life. I could not eat, sleep, or have fun. Not even drinking the night away saved me. Even sleep, my favorite of all things, could not give me the brief death I always escape to when times get hard.

Eventually, it took a toll on my physical body. Since I threw up every time I would eat, my body overproduced acid that led my tummy to go in shambles. The doctor could not find anything, I was healthy as a cow. (Except they found some complications on my liver, this is the payback for my binge drinking). They said, I should just do something about my well-being.

Health and wellness are two different things. In my case, my physical body has everything in order. But my mental, emotional, and spiritual state is not in its best condition. I was being hard on myself even though I know that I shouldn't, even though I know that I should do better.

In those moments, I realized that I was being selfish. I was too consumed with my own pains that I failed to see I was hurting the people who truly love me and care for me. I was not only destroying myself, I was potentially destroying my relationships with people who have always been supportive of me.

So this is another myth that I recently debunked. I thought then that you can only fully love once, that after you have given your all, it is impossible to give a better love than what you already given. When I was at my lowest, I felt a downpour of love I never imagined I have. How can I not reciprocate?

I read from somewhere before that when your heart is broken, it also leaves an opening. This is what I would like to believe in. My heart was cut so more love could come in. And then I feel better. No need for binge drinking. :)

(Maybe until I get rid of that liver problem)

Dear Self,

Do yourself a favor and stop wishing for him to come back. Because he won't.

He has someone new, someone who brings him happiness more than you do. Someone who loves him better than you can ever will.

Perhaps you did love him but it was not the love he needs. Not the kind he wants.

Stop fighting for him because he has given up on you. Respect his choice and respect his new girl and most of all, respect yourself.

Wish him happiness because he deserves it and you deserve peace. One day soon, your happiness will come. Your meaning will come and it will all make sense.

You will look back and realize why you had to go through all these pains and hurts. It will bruise and scar you, but it will make you stronger.

Make time your friend. It is not as easy as it sounds for your heart is an impatient one. But as days pass, it will all go away. If you are lucky enough, time will give you the gift of forgetting.

Of course you will still remember. When his song plays on your forgotten playlist, when you see his pictures as you search for files on your computer, or when you re-read your conversations on your phone. You will see these things that will remind you of him, but the ache will stop. The ache will leave your heart.

If you are luckier, you will another who will replace him. Right now, you might think that no one can outdo him. But there will be one who will make you believe that love exists, that love is worth making, that there is sense in everything. You will love and be loved again.

Luckiest are you because in these times of sorrow you will find yourself again. You will learn your strengths. You will learn to be you again. You will learn to stand up after a defeat. But you will be you again and that's what matters most.

Do not hurt anymore. It will come to pass. It will come to pass.

Things I wanna do

In the pursuit of developing a better me and having real, concrete hobbies (except for sleeping and the internet), let me list down a few of the things I want to accomplish in life (short-termly, preferably):

1. Learn to cook
I found an interesting online article on how to spot a girl from a woman a few months back. Something that hit me hard was that a girl take pride on how undomesticated she is while a woman knows her way around the household. This year, I am turning 24 and though most of adults tell me I'm still young to worry about growing old, I really feel that I can only get older each year. I need to learn to cook because I do not only owe this to myself to eat a wonderful and healthy meal each day, but I owe it to my future hubby and kids to provide them a meal that they want to come home to (just like my mom's).

2. Watch more TV (that sparks up imagination and creativity)
To tell you honestly, much of what I know now is because of watching Art Attack, Sesame Street and lots and lots of Japanese Anime. I turned into a communications-slash-art enthusiast because of what I've seen on the media. But somehow, I forgot what it's like to feel that tinge of excitement everytime I hear the opening theme song of a TV show I religiously watch. I want to feel inspired, I want to feel that satisfaction after longing so much for something I have been waiting for.

3. Be a committed gym-goer
It's high-time I get back into shape. Stress from work and life caused me to binge eat, sleep less, and complain a lot. This is very unhealthy. I think that it is much better to put all my energy in something that would make me fit and healthy.

4. Study again
I can only list so much of things I wanna study: graphics design, hiphop, Masters in Development Communication, a second degree on Multimedia Arts, etc., etc. Somehow, it has not come into fruition. But I will make time, seek for more opportunities, and save up so I can have the resources to do this.

As I lay across him, with his fears and doubts boldly and intimately exposed before me, he asked me one simple question that had my mind spiraling, "What are you afraid of?"

I was caught off guard. For one, I wasn't afraid of anything. At that moment, I felt like there is no such thing as vulnerability. I was invincible.

But as he closes his eyes, as he drifted off to sleep, I knew clearly what I was afraid of. Living life without him.

Why I'm so fucking angry right now

As much as I wanted to be happy because it’s Friday, I could not bring myself to. I feel so freaking sad, everything around me makes me angry. I’d probably just spend my whole weekend crying on my favorite side of the bed while my mind spins thousands and thousands of thoughts I’d rather not think about.

You know what scares me? All these fucking bullshit makes me think it’s easier to die. But I can’t do that, because I can’t be too selfish to leave my fragile mother in too much heartbreak. I could runaway with a guy and move to another place and for sure it would also break my mom’s heart, but eventually she will forgive me. But if I die, if I took my own life, she will not forgive herself.

Let me also note, that fuck all traditions and societal norms. Fuck all your previous beliefs about how we should blend in the crowd. Because fuck, fuck, fuck it. Fuck the whole universe, actually.

Fuck all you people who likes meddling into other people’s businesses without considering their feelings. Fuck all you bitches who thinks it’s alright to step into other peoples relationships. Fuck all of you people who already are in a relationships but still flirts with other people just because you can. Fuck all of you people who pretends to be nice when you really have some agenda hidden in your fucking dirty minds. Fuck all of you homophobics who think gays are not as human as you and I. Fuck all of you who fucking just annoy the hell out of me.

You know what? Fuck me, too. I was raised to show a straight face, an ideal decent daughter, always fucking thinking about what other people say. But fuck that! Fuck that. Why can’t I cry whenever I want to? Why can’t I moan in anguish when I am so freaking sad? Because no, I am raised in a perfect life. Nothing could ever make me sad.

Jesus Christ. I am so fucking angry at you right now, too. I have been waiting for you ever since the story teller in bible school told us you’re coming. I’m so freaking tired of being a good person just to see your heaven. Why can’t you bring us to heaven right now? Why can’t you come now and freaking save us all from all these suffering and pain? Are you even coming? Or that’s also one of your fucking stupid promises you can not keep. And then you fucking expect your so-called children to keep their promises, too? Well, fuck that. Fuck that.

I hate the whole universe. I hate the whole fucking universe.