There are ghosts in my head that keep haunting me.

Don't ask me

It must be the way your lashes curl
Or how soft your lips are.
It must be
So don't ask me what I like about you,
because there are far too many to identify just one.

Unhpy

Gone were the days when I'd try to escape all the memories I had of you. It used to hurt, hurt so bad, when I remember even a piece of who you are. I dared not to touch, or even think, of anything that relates to you. But it was so difficult, because everything used to be about you.

Recently, I have been thinking about you again. Not the kind of passive thinking, but voluntarily wanting to think about you. I try to convince myself that it doesn't hurt no more, because I've managed to believe that after more than half a year that being apart from you is the best decision I've made my whole life.

It was and I still believe it is.

But it is also the unhappiest choice I ever made. When I decided to make the final cut of not ever having any sort of connection with you again, it was liberating. I was finally strong enough to walk away from you. But now, as each day pass by, you're getting farther and farther away from me.

I remember that one time when you told me you walk too fast while I go too slow but even when you go ahead of me, there will always be a point where we'll meet. I stopped fantasizing that one day we'll bump into each other and you'll realize I'm the one for you. I'm over the idea that one day we'll see face to face and understand why we never were, no more lies and excuses. But then again, there's a tiny hope in my heart that one day it will come true and you'll think that leaving me was the unhappiest choice you ever made.

You're the only thing I ever loved unconditionally aside from my family, for the arts,travel, and sleep. And this is probably why I could never love again. Because, with a love like that, you still chose to break me.

Labor of love

You know how when someone loves to do one thing, it reflects in the results of his/her work? This is how I feel whenever I enjoy my Mom's cooking. I am ever thankful that my God blessed me with a mother who cooks like a pro. I'm telling you, every dining experience is worthwhile.

It is one of my dreams to immortalize my mom's recipe in a cookbook. I somehow haven't started to work on that yet, but I surely will in the future. If I get rich too, I'll definitely give her a restaurant where she could share with more people her talents and skills.

One day!

Thinking of you, Mi

Please try listening to Katy Perry’s “Thinking of You” as you read this article.

Mid-October last year, I received a free phone from Smart Telecommunications for my postpaid plan. It was a Xiaomi Mi 3 phone, a smartphone made by the Chinese.

Most people would frown (especially here in the Philippines) if they would hear your phone is from China. They have this connotation that Chinese phones are mostly unreliable and easily breakable. Just the sound of “Xiaomi” is pretty much worth the eyebrow raise.

However, as opposed to the general public’s opinion (even the sales person from Smart who suggested I take the LG phone instead), I still took the Mi 3. It was the best decision (as a rebel to the public) I ever made.

Four months into the happy relationship my phone and I have made, it was prematurely taken away from me. Just yesterday morning, another commuter tale worth telling, my phone was stolen by a middle-aged man in the jeepney. I was heartbroken.

Now, as I am using a generic smartphone (please cue in “Comparisons are easily done…”), memories of my Mi 3 surfaces. Oh how my fingers loved its Gorilla glass. Oh how I easily navigated in and out of its MIUI. Oh how I miss how it captures pictures I see with my eyes. Mi 3 and I were perfect.

But alas, just like every other good thing, it must end. I must live with it and go on with my life. I have to be an adult and accept what has happened. Block my sim number (but I was able to get a sim replacement and as of the moment waiting for its reactivation), send emails to all my applications to delete my account, and change passwords.

As much as I miss my Mi 3, the thing I worry about most is what’s in it. The delicate private stuff we put in our phones could be used against us. I know for one that if that person is more evil than I thought, he could put my life in great danger. Even my loved ones. Amazing how a single device that is meant to make our life easy can also destroy us.

So, lesson learned here is: never text and commute. There are people out there who like to prey on people when opportunities arise. Never give them that opportunity. Keep yourself and your things safe.

That thing called tadhana

Akala ko naman naka-fully move on na ako pagkatapos kong manood ng That Thing Called Tadhana na hindi pinapatakan ng luha. Akala ko, finally, I am strong enough to move forward and completely forget about you.

Kaso hindi pala. Para ka namang lagnat e. Akala ko pagnakainom na ako ng Biogesic, okay na. Hanggang magparamdam ka ulit at heto sinisinat na naman ako.

Bakit parang nararamdaman ko na naman yung unang araw ng sakit noong iniwan mo ako? I validated this after chainsmoking two sticks of cig after arriving at work at freaking 10AM in the morning. Wala na naman ako sa katinuan ko. Wala na naman akong maisip gawin sa buhay ko. Para na naman akong tanga.

Naisip ko kanina habang nasa jeep ko na baka kaya walang nagkakagusto sakin kasi napakarami kong dala-dalang bagahe. Para akong laging may excess baggage. Parang si Mace. Hayan na naman, narerelate ko na naman ang sarili ko sa mga karaktre sa pelikula. Masama to.

Pero alam mo, ang pinaka-favorite kong part doon sa movie ay nung nagpunta si Mace at Anthony sa Sagada. Napaaga kasi sila ng dating doon kaya hindi pa nila makikita yung view sa cliff. Tapos sabi ni Mace "Ano ba yan maghihintay na naman?" Sabi naman ni Anthony, "Pramis, it's worth the wait." Heto siguro ang nararamdaman ko, heto na naman naghihintay na naman ako. Kasi ang totoo lang, sobrang nakakapagod maghintay. Lalo na kung wala namang kasiguraduhan na may darating.

Ah, may isa pa pala akong paboritong line. Yung sabi ni Anthony nakakaoverwhelm daw yung pagmamahal ni Mace. Yung tipong ganong pagmamahal ay tiyak maibabalik sa kanya. Sana ganoon din para sa akin. Kasi kahit ako naooverwhelm ako sa pagmamahal ko sayo. Iniisip ko nga, bakit ba kita nagustuhan? Bakit ba kita minahal ng ganito? Eh para na akong tanga. Baka isumbat na sa akin ng magulang ko ang ginastos nila sa pag-aaral ko.

Eh wala e, nakakatanga nga lang talaga ang pagmamahal.

Tatapusin ko ang blog entry na ito sa gasgas na gasgas nang quote ni Fitzgerald dahil sa movie na yan: "There are different kinds of love, but never the same love twice." Oo, totoo yan. Kasi panigurado, nag-iisa lang ang pagmamahal na binigay ko sayo.