Recovery

There are things that were hard for me to believe in until I finally experienced them first hand. One concrete example of this is completely forgetting everything that happened last night because you were so drunk. I thought people just used this as an excuse for their unexpected behavior the night before. Apparently, this is a fact of life.

On one of the nights I decided that binge drinking was the cure to my heart's broken state, I finally hit my all time high. After a couple of shots, I completely lost myself. It was like taking photographs in super long exposures. The blind spots were longer than what was currently happening. All I could remember that night was I was drinking with strangers, singing a duet on a karaoke with a person I barely know, my friends carrying me on the way to their favorite mamihan (which is not my favorite due to the thick soup), and me puking inside the shop. I collapsed in the extra bed of my friend's apartment, with her roommates covering me with a folded blanket. I was so drunk I actually thought the blanket was only half of a size of a human, so I suffered the whole night in the cold, simply because I did not have the brains to actually unfold the blanket. They still laugh until now because of that blanket incident.

And that is definitely not my proudest moment.

One good thing though is that I know for sure that these things happen. It is not simply a myth. But using myself as my very own experimental rat is not a very good idea. The past few weeks, I was battling perhaps my lowest point in life. I could not eat, sleep, or have fun. Not even drinking the night away saved me. Even sleep, my favorite of all things, could not give me the brief death I always escape to when times get hard.

Eventually, it took a toll on my physical body. Since I threw up every time I would eat, my body overproduced acid that led my tummy to go in shambles. The doctor could not find anything, I was healthy as a cow. (Except they found some complications on my liver, this is the payback for my binge drinking). They said, I should just do something about my well-being.

Health and wellness are two different things. In my case, my physical body has everything in order. But my mental, emotional, and spiritual state is not in its best condition. I was being hard on myself even though I know that I shouldn't, even though I know that I should do better.

In those moments, I realized that I was being selfish. I was too consumed with my own pains that I failed to see I was hurting the people who truly love me and care for me. I was not only destroying myself, I was potentially destroying my relationships with people who have always been supportive of me.

So this is another myth that I recently debunked. I thought then that you can only fully love once, that after you have given your all, it is impossible to give a better love than what you already given. When I was at my lowest, I felt a downpour of love I never imagined I have. How can I not reciprocate?

I read from somewhere before that when your heart is broken, it also leaves an opening. This is what I would like to believe in. My heart was cut so more love could come in. And then I feel better. No need for binge drinking. :)

(Maybe until I get rid of that liver problem)