But still.

Naranasan mo na ba?

Naranasan mo na ba yung sobrang sakit ng puso mo na para bang may maliliit na karayom na tumutusok dito hanggang sa mabasag na ito ng tuluyan? 'Yung maya-maya akala mo okay na, pero ayan na naman, may mga tumutusok na naman na masakit. 'Yung parang gusto mo namang pigilin ang sakit, pero ayaw tumigil? 'Yung halos sumabog na ang utak mo sa sakit kasi napagod ka na kakaiyak?

Napakasakit.

Isa lang naman ang gusto ko. 'Yung maging ako lang at wala nang iba. Pero malabo yatang mangyari ang aking gusto.

Kaya parang mas gugustuhin ko nalang maging malaya.

Proximity

I remember in my Journalism class way back in 2007 that the closer the news happened to a community, the more likely the news appeal to them. So, in the little town of Los Baños, our class of 150 students squeezed all the news we could get from the complaints of the fishermen, to the concerns of the mothers in the daycare centers, and what-not. I did not totally get what the rule of proximity was back then, but now that I am older and wiser (?), I've gotten to realize that there are really news-worthy pieces waiting to be written, we just have to really open our journalistic eyes to see.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how this rule applies not only to journalism. The closer something or someone is to us, the more relevant they appear to us.

A friend of mine who has been in a long distance relationship for more than two years has finally closed the gap between her and her boyfriend. One time, after having a dinner with her and some other friends, I asked her “How do you know that he doesn't have another girl in the US?” She explained, “Because we do everything together, even through the computer screen.” They sleep and wake up to each other, eat together, do fun activities together. It’s not like they are ever apart.

But, alas, the physical separation is still undeniably tormenting. A pillow won’t hug you back at night, the warmth of your smart phone isn't the same as holding an actual hand, or a flying kiss can’t be as sweet. Finally, they chose to be in close physical proximity.

But what if the odds were against them? What if there was another girl who could end the physical longing for the boy? What if it was easier to let go than to take chances? After all, you couldn’t be so sure of someone you haven’t really been with for a long time. Is it still worth investing the time, effort, and money?

I’d like to think that faith survives, regardless of proximity. From a Korean series that I’ve watched in the past, it was emphasized that the two essential things in a relationship is faith and loyalty. When faith is given, loyalty is rewarded.

If your lover is somewhere far, proximity may be an issue and someone closer may be more relevant at the moment. But give love a fighting chance, nothing ever easy is worth as much as something your worked hard for.

I salute everyone in a long-distance relationship who patiently works hard until the proximity of their loved ones no longer become an issue.

Serving my purpose

"It's raining on your sphere today, Ate," says one of my officemate last Monday, while battling through the pressures of finalizing all the 12 annual reports for the group of companies I work in. Lately, it has been storming in my sphere, to be honest. So much work, so much pressure, so much stress.

I am not the kind of person who handles stress very well. I get very irritated when I don't get things done. I feel so uncomfortable that I see it in my dreams sometimes. I may be messy on the outside (I mean my desk) but I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder on the inside.

But last night, as we made our way from a festive dinner with our Lao friends, my former boss and I had a very meaningful talk. I felt so revived and rejuvenated. In the many attempts that I ask her that I want to quit, she finally said I am good to go.

"You have served your purpose, you have accomplished many things for us. If there are better opportunities for you, then go grab it," she said. A tear dropped from my eye as I heard these words. Am I really ready to fly?

In the 23 months that I stayed in the company that I work in, I keep falling in and out of love with my job. There are times that I feel so helpless falling in the abyss of workaholicism. Because I like getting things done, I sometimes sacrifice my own personal time. But when I get the feeling that I have achieved something great in doing what I do, I feel fueled to do so much more.

I think it's getting sunnier in my sphere now. Now, I feel like I wanna do more and accomplish greater things. One more good vibes for today is that the application for a 3-month training I was vying for since last year confirmed the receipt of my application. I was starting to worry that this program was really not for me. It has been more than a week and I still haven't received a confirmation on my application yet. But now, after receiving an email from that university, I finally got a glimpse of hope that I can, maybe, get this.

So yeah, I am one happy human being.

Blabbering here, blabbering there. Blabber everywhere.

I honestly think that you have stripped yourself the right to complain about how fucked up the government or the society is if you are not doing anything about it. That's just plain hypocrisy.

I've learned in the few years I studied development concepts that people are poor, mostly, because of the lack of information. There are better opportunities, but since these information do not reach them, they remain under the claws of poverty.

However, this does not translate to re-posting articles or pictures or whatever you see on Facebook. The world needs action, not just a click of a button.

Though the power of social media has been proven so many times, still, these does not feed hungry mouths, or give out-of-school youth jobs, or shelter homeless families. The world needs a concrete, sustainable way of living.

"Bigyan mo naman ako ng raket," I said in jest to my former classmate in college. "I'm so sick of writing about poverty alleviation." She giggled, "You're lucky, you get to write about those things," she replied.

Unlike some bastards from the other side of the world who feels like the world owe them something for clicking share on articles about issues they think should be relevant, I witness how committed agents of change work their ass off to make better lives for the poor people and their families everyday. Indeed, I am lucky I belong to a group of people working towards development.

If you equate poverty to a lack of money, though, then we have a problem here. Yes, the love for money is the root of evil, but money itself is not the enemy. In a different perspective (and this might be different from yours), I think money brings organization to chaos. Do you imagine us doing barter trade in the 21st century? Certainly not.

And for privileged people who do not want to work and just want to sit on their asses the whole day to play video games, if not for the passionate game developers who made your game (who worked night and day to develop that), you wouldn't have a video game in the first place. If you want to eliminate "work" in the society, please enlighten me on how this could be done.

-End of rant-

That's all I can do.

As I scroll through my facebook newsfeed, I found a blog entry on an interview about cheating from a sociologist. The one thing that struck me the most is this sentence: "When you love, you've done your part, and that's all you can do."

To clarify, I wasn't cheated on and I haven't ever (and has no plan to) cheated. I just happen to share the same viewpoint as the sociologist. Love is freely given; you can make no demands, you can make no complaints. You love because you love, and that's that.

Today, someone told me this: "I hate girls. I hate how there are so many pretty girls and I hate I have to pick one. Where did that idea come from?"

Because:

"My love is greater than your failures. But be fair, Marco. 

Kung ako, ako. Kung siya, siya."

Patty in "Starting Over Again"

I have nothing against polygamous relationships, though. We love differently and I accept that.

But for me, how can you love two (or more) people at the same time? I just can't begin to comprehend. I want what's mine to be mine. Call it selfish, but isn't it more selfish to want more than just one?

No, that's gluttony. Not even Buddha agrees to getting more than needed. Too much is, well, too much.

So this boils down to this: find a partner who also believes that a polygamous relationship should work. That's not me.

I love you and that's all I can do.

The decision to write right

Some time in 2009, I decided to start a blog called Life Begins at 20 to document my life as a young adult. It's supposed to capture the glorious moments of my youth, but now, in 2014 these so-called glorious moments are still  (I'm sorry for using a term I myself hate) "NGA-NGA".

Just kidding. I had my moments, but whenever I tried to put it down in paper, my words can't seem to capture them the way I wanted to. It's just so lacking I just end up deleting blocks and blocks of words.

But I made a decision to try again. I am gonna write about the adventures of my youth starting today. So expect me to write more about my work, my travels, my new-found interests, and whatever it is that floats my boat! :)