Friday, August 30, 2013

Thursday, August 29, 2013


I cried in public today. So shameful, I could die in a rabbit hole anytime now. Someone just told me I worked slow and I have messy hair, I already cried out of the room. Sad face.

That moment, I just realized how much of an emotional wreck I am. And so, I just made a list in my head of things I need to do to get back on my feet again and be happy. I'll call it MISSION MAKE CYRENE HAPPY AGAIN. That's not a very nice code for a mission. Anyways. The following are the things I would be doing in order to find happiness again:

1. Eat Japanese
2. Drink coffee with a close friend
3. Watch a funny movie
4. Get a new haircut/hair color
5. Sleep for ten hours
6. Go to the beach
7. Sing in the karaoke

Ok. Mission Make Cyrene Happy Again is on. :D

Monday, August 26, 2013

You won't convince me that I'll be happier.


Endurance

One of my favorite things to do is commuting from home to work and vice-versa. Come to think of it, I have been doing this for the past ten years of my life. Basically, I had no choice but to love it.

It is there in the daily jeepney rides where I meet people from all walks of life. This, for me, had always been interesting. Last Saturday, on my way to a relief operations, I had the strangest of all jeepney rides. Strange in a good way, I think. There was this guy, with a big body build, curly hair, and oily face in his late 30's or early 40's talking non-stop like he knew every passenger on board. I swear, if you made eye contact with him for at least half-a-second, he would automatically strike up a conversation.

And as much as I wanted to be a mere observer of this scenario, I was dragged in into a conversation. Naturally, he would notice me observing him as I was seated across him. He started talking about his adventures in Mt. Makiling, that he became a mountain adventurer ever since he and his wife separated. He started giving me some advice on marriage, "Never marry anyone who just love you in words. Love is action, not just purely emotions." I just smiled and nodded. God is speaking through him.

That day, I dropped by the office to make a prototype of a media briefer for one of our events. I find joy in making these prototypes. To me, they're like diamonds in the rough. Like they're so close to reality yet there's so much work to do. I feel more attached to drafts I make myself than those perfectly printed final outputs. Ehem. Anyways, since my printer ran out of ink, I had to rush to the nearby printing shop. There, written in a big tarpaulin is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I had to blur out the seemingly bored-of-her-life-that-she-hates-the-whole-world tagabantay ng computer shop girl to understand what the Bible verse truly means.

"Love endures all things"--this part got me. If it does not endure, it is not love. Therefore, no matter how difficult the situation is, no matter how many obstacles we face, no matter how many people says otherwise, if we choose to love we must endure.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Transparency

I seriously thought I was dead. There was I, placing my thumb on the biometrics machine at 7:00 PM 12 times in a row but it kept on saying "Please try again." Damn it, it felt like it was mocking me. I don't wanna try again, I want it to recognize me as a real person.

This morning, I called in sick at work faking a migraine. I wasn't actually sick. I just felt comforted being in a complete void that was sleep. Unfortunately, after texting my boss at 6:30 AM that I couldn't make it today, my eyes wouldn't close shut. Thoughts kept rushing through my head, thoughts I don't wanna think about, thoughts I'd rather forget.

So, this is what heartbreak is.

I remember one time having an idle time at Carabao Park. One of my friends sat down and asked me a question on how I deal with loneliness. This was for his radio show. I told him I do not like bothering people of my sadness, so I rather write about it than talk about it. That time, I have never really known how real pain felt like.

I went to Twitter to find humorous posts of @ShutangInaBeks. She tweets about practical tips of moving on. She makes the reality of pain funnier that usual. Unfortunately, she did not post anything as of this morning. The advice I was looking for was not there yet. So, I just gave myself my own advice. I feel bad with my problems, but definitely Janet Lim-Napoles had it worse than I do. Now, I feel better.

Although that could change. This is me, the past few days of my life: