Head afloat

Barely four hours of sleep and trying to survive. One thing I love so much is sleeping, if I haven't emphasized that yet in my previous writings. My officemates and I had to pull an all nighter to beat a deadline for today. We still haven't finished. :|

I feel like my brain may be tied to a thread and floating in air right now. It's in danger of floating forever in the universe.

The last time I felt having this piercing headache was when I was on my way to a field trip to Manila Zoo. My head was filled with abstract things--unicorns and rainbows in fuchsia pink background stirring into a space of melted lava. And some more weird stuff. Apparently, I had Dengue Fever that time.

Now I am just tired. And a bit hungry when I had just eaten.

Gah. Sleep, I need you in my life.

Five more minutes?

So why do we meet people – great, fantastic individuals – we cannot keep? 

Why do we have to invest on emotions and time and then when things become perfectly all right, 

that’s when we know it is not?

Read the full article here.

Parasocially in Love

My undergraduate research was a fleeting memory. I only remembered very few parts of it. Sadly, I can't even recall the whole title of my study.

But something reminded me of it while I was browsing through the tweets of Time Healthland. It's about obsession with celebrities. Can you believe that Angelina Jolie's legs have its own Twitter account now? Talk about obsession.

The article, which you can find here, also discussed about Parasocial Interaction. I was planning to include this in my study but as I was writing my Related Lit, I realized it was to hard to incorporate since I was just studying milk ad celeb endorsers and their effects to mommies. Wow, turned up I still have recollections of it. Haha!

I am not sure if everyone has Parasocial Interaction, but I'm quite sure I have. I have been a super fan of a 90's hit band called A1 when I was a kid. I would secretly buy their CDs and stock them under my bed. I was imagining Ben Adams was my boyfriend.

I thought I'd forever be in love with Ben, until I met other boy bands. O yeah, I was also crazy about the Taiwanese F4 when I reached High School.

Quoted in the article mentioned above, Stuart Fischoff explained his view on how people with social difficulties could make the best out of Parasocial relationships, "if they weren't going to be interacting with people otherwise, this makes them at least have a social relationship they didn't have before." I find it a bit strange.

Well, honestly, maybe I am just scared because I am beginning to have another parasocial relationship at 21. I am beginning to fall in love with One Direction. Ha ha ha ha. I've been listening to this song non-stop since two days ago:

Now it makes me ponder on my life. Maybe I have social difficulties. Now that is scary. LOL

With strings attached

I find it amazing how people can grow feelings and feel a sense of attachment towards another person over a course of time. It amazes me more on how we can feel the same way to non-living things, all the more a place. You know how people name stuff they own? It's kind of weird for me. Maybe because I never owned a pet I truly cared for. When it comes to places, my family moved a lot from one house to another, so I didn't bother investing some deep emotions in just one location.

Anyways, I received some sad news from home that the land from where our Church stood in for 26 years would be taken away permanently. If I recollect correctly, that piece of land was originally given to the Church founders in my home town by the real land owners. But since the land title was shared with another Christian Ministry, they are now claiming that the whole land is theirs. 

Even though the land that will be taken away from our Church would be for a good cause (they would put up a school for poor kids), I still think it would be really hard for my churchmates to let go of it. My churchmates, which majority are my relatives or in some way related to me, grew up in that place. Their whole faith originated and grew in that place. I understand how much painful it will be that tomorrow would be the last day that they can hold the worship service in there.

For more than two years, that place supplied my spiritual needs. I cannot disregard the fact that my faith has grown and matured in that place, so it also kind of stings me that when I go back home, the Church that I used to know will be turned into the school's parking lot.

I cannot help but imagine the tearful faces that my grandmothers, aunts, and female cousins would have tomorrow morning. Maybe all that's left to say is that I hope the school to be established would feed as much souls as it had when our Church was still standing there. 

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us - that's snatched right out of our hands - even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of insurmountable emptiness... Maybe, in some distant place, everything is already, quietly, lost. Or at least there exists a silent place where everything can disappear, melting together in a single, overlapping figure. And as we live our lives we discover - drawing toward us the thin threads attached to each - what has been lost. I closed my eyes and tried to bring to mind as many beautiful lost things as I could. Drawing them closer, holding on to them. Knowing all the while that their lives are fleeting.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

Let's fall in a deep coma.

You know what I really, really, really want to do now? Curl up in a bed and cry until I fall asleep. Preferably in someone else's bed.

Just kidding.

But I do want to curl up, cry, and fall asleep. Today is just one of those bummer days when I feel so down for no reason at all. God knows why. I just hope that something or someone or some place could turn my frown upside down.

I wish I could talk to anyone. Just anyone would mean so much. But everyone is just busy living lives of their own. Or probably, curling up, crying until they fall asleep.

Depressions come in cycles.

Maybe it is the disappointment I felt while sipping the not-so-delicious strawberry-flavored coffee. Or the Annual Report I'm writing which is just 18.18% percent done when the deadline is tomorrow. It could also be the slowness of the laptop I am using now. I'm not in my best mood today.

The Happiness Hunt

Just when I was about to read another Haruki Murakami novel, I got recommended to read another book. Being me, I cannot refuse anything offered to me regardless of whatever it is. If I were a kid, I'd take any candy even from a stranger. But I am glad I took the candy, Eric Weiner's "The Geography to Bliss" is just what I needed for an emotional boost. Not that I am being grumpy or gloomy.

This book is about the author's travels to "happy places" to find out the correlation of happiness and location. Amazingly, people from different places view happiness in different, sometimes odd ways (e.g. In Thailand, happiness is perceived as having not to think too much)! 

Actually, I am just on the first pages of the book but I am starting to like it. The way the author narrated his story was very entertaining, it seemed like he was directly talking to you. I don't know why, I've always found awkward and grumpy people humorous when they speak of their experiences in life and how they view it. Oh, I forgot to mention that the author considers himself as an "unhappy" person. Quoting Eric Hoffer, he said, "The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness." In which he replied to with, "That's okay. I'm already unhappy, I have nothing to lose." Ha ha. 

I'd like to believe I am a happy person. But when I think about what happiness is for me, I cannot think of anything. Maybe that is the reason why I am excited to embark this journey with Mr. Weiner, I wanna know what happiness is! :)

Eight pages until the ending.

Just like any other day, I woke up wanting to sleep more and at the same time, to drink a cup of hot coffee. With an additional task in mind, I got out of bed and folded my blanket habitually. Today, I'll finish "Norwegian Wood" that I started reading a month ago, I told myself. Unfortunately, the day is almost coming to an end but I haven't had the time to finish the eight pages left.

I have actually started reading the first part of the last chapter only to find the lead female character dead. It surprisingly didn't break my heart. Instead, I felt as if it is the male lead's emancipation from a caging love. With all honesty, I do not think Watanabe is in any way in love with Naoko. It is different from love, it is more of... two lonely people depressed of losing a loved one and trying to keep alive by being together. It is like when Mico Sotto died and Angel Locsin got together with his cousin and bestfriend, Oyo Boy Sotto. They dated for a time, but maybe figured out that their connection was they both loved the same guy. In different kinds and levels, of course.

Almost everyone in this book eventually died (majority committing suicide) but as Watanabe would always say he learned, death is not the end of life but a part of it. Everyone seems to be either dying or living in a dead man's life. So, in my point of view, the only character that stood our for me was Midori. She is the other girl in the love triangle in the story. At first, it seemed like she will never get the guy, but I am thinking that she would in the ending. You know how stories would always make the guy stick to the first girl he falls in love with and ignore any great girl that comes his way but I think this is a different case. I would be happy if it ends that way, because it shows that love grows and not just happen over night.

Also, Midori both lost her parents to death but she continued living anyways. A part of the book told of the time when she and her sister went to their father's funeral. The people were expecting them to cry but they didn't. The people probably think they were cold and heartless, but they didn't give them what they wanted. She said they have cried enough during the time their father was suffering that there were no tears left. They refused to put on a show just to please the people around them. This girl definitely deserved the guy. :)

I still have eight pages to read but I am already looking forward to another Haruki Murakami novel. I have been forewarned that his books are depressing but wth, I need drama in my life. Otherwise, it would be as tasteless as water.

Today is a winding road

My heart will literally explode inside my chest any minute now. I'm a meter away from my boss, she's reading the very first article I handed in since the day I set foot in her office.

One of the things I hate about myself is worrying about the littlest things. I've always considered myself a mediocre and I've learned to accept that I will never be as good as anyone. I live everyday being contented of who I am and will never be. In a different lens, that might be a good thing, but it also becomes my reason why I have an excuse for all my shortfalls.

I am not sure if the day will come when I will gain enough confidence to believe that I can do things I never imagined I could do. I wish I will; I don't wanna remain floating in a sea of uncertainties and regret forever.

Anyways, today I traveled for six hours from Thakek City back to Vientiane City by bus. It was a very long travel but I was the least bored. I like long travels, it gives me enough time to think through things and of course, to sleep. I was also entertained by the couple sitting in front of me. They were very sweet and adorable. Not to mention, equally handsome.

It reminded me of the recent picture I saw on the net. It's about Anne Hathaway's stand on LGBTs. She said that, "Love is a human experience, not a political statement." Maybe if I were younger, I would strongly be opposing this same-sex relationship. Personally, I will not engage in such relationship, but I learned to respect people who fell in love this way.

Love is a beautiful thing that everyone has the right to feel and experience.

What will you have for dinner?

My parents would always ask me every single day what I would be having for dinner. Most of the times, I would say Tilapia or Adobo or Paksiw. They would complain as if they are the ones eating the same food items everyday. And it's really not like they can do anything about it.

Today, I helped Ate Ginang cook some Asadong Tofu. I don't know if she is being serious about it, but she said I should cook my specialty this weekend. I'm fine with that, it's just that... I don't have any specialties. :(

Cooking with her makes me miss my Mom. My mom is like the best chef I ever known!

It made me miss Filipino food, too! Saucy, oily, sinful Filipino food, come at me bro!

BTW, if you are kind-hearted enough to send (or cook) me my favorite Filipino dishes, here they are:

Kare-Kare

Caldereta

Tinolang Manok

Lumpiang Sariwa

Leche Flan

And I just have to mention, that I am really really really craving for a McDonald's cheeseburger. In fact, I think I am seeing it in my dreams! I've been clean for a month, I need that greasy melted cheese in my system! 

My stay here has been extended until May. I think that's the reason why I'm craving for all these food. :(

PS. These photos aren't mine. Thank you owners!

My words are cold and flat,

and you deserve more than that.

How to enjoy work

Whenever I talk with people nowadays, may it be my parents, some neighbors I never really talked with, or friends, they would always remind me to "Enjoy work." It could be that they think I am not enjoying my work or that they think I'm stressed with work. But really, though I may have a tendency to space out when I am at a loss for words in some parts of the day, I think I love what I am doing now than the other jobs I had back.

The primary reason is, maybe, because I have grown comfortable with the people around me. I am used to working on my own since after I graduated I worked "freelance" (and sometimes just an excuse so people will not think I am jobless) and because I also worked online. I have always felt independent and self-sufficient. But for a month of belonging (semi-belonging, actually) to such an awesome team, my perspective on work had a different turn. I used to believe that the key to being proficient in what you do is to love what you do. I still think that, but with some additional modifications. Now, I think that the key to working efficiently is not only to love what you do, but also to love the people you work with.

I had a good read at a 9gag post a few weeks ago that, people should "respect existence or expect resistance." Often times, the bad is being tremendously highlighted that we tend to ignore the good. All people have bad sides; even beds and pillows have them, too, but we sleep on them anyways. Acceptance of people and how they are will always be a good thing to carry in our everyday lives.

I would always remember what Ate Ginang, the head of the department I work with, would always tell us. She said that our job is not solely working but building relationships, which I could not agree more.

So, for those people who are feeling burned out in doing whatever job they do, try asking your colleagues to have a break and hang out--go see a movie, talk over a cup of warm coffee, or whatever it is that floats your boats. Give time to appreciate the people surrounding you and I am sure that they will, too. :)

Things I miss:

-That special feeling of having an imaginary light bulb above my head when I suddenly think of something genius
-Eagerness to get to the last page of a book
-Looking at things in a different way
-Organizing my thoughts and writing them down
-My younger self

These places and these faces are getting old.

I'm going home.

Landlocked

Since Laos is a landlocked country, it is quite easy traveling to the borders of its neighboring lands. Today, I traveled to Thailand in less than an hour by bus.

One of the things I miss in the Philippines is the big shopping malls. In Laos, even in its capital city, only small boutiques can be seen. I get to shop in a shopping mall and eat in a fast food today! I never thought I'll miss junk food, but I did after a month of eating healthy fresh Lao vegetables and noodles.

Shopping in Thailand for me is more convenient than in Laos, not only because of the venue but also because of the Baht. Dollar to Baht conversion is almost similar to Philippine Peso, so I can easily tell whether the things I'm buying are expensive or cheap. The smallest denomination in Kip is 500, and Kip to Dollar is equivalent to 7989 so you can tell how much hard work I put into converting daily.

Anyways, if you have any plans of traveling to Thailand any sooner, lots of stuff can be bought for cheaps! I bought three shoes, which were only 120 Baht (around 200 PhP) each! I can't assure you of the quality yet, though. But will do in, maybe a month's time. Haha! I also bought some dresses and clothes for myself and my family. I only spent 100 USD today, but I bought a lot. I was tempted to spend more, but the 15th won't come any sooner, so I have to tighten up my belt!

Pretty sure, though, I will never go back home without returning to Thailand. :)

Waffles, gelato, life.

Sometimes, all you need is a scoop, or two, of ice cream to remind you that life should be enjoyed.

I've had a very insightful talk with Tita Ludy, one of the people I work with, about work and life over a plate of waffles and ice cream. She told me that I am still young and that I should learn how to live. Lately I've been carrying a heavy burden inside my chest because I had to stay longer in Laos than I expected. I won't call it homesickness, it's just that I have a thing for setting my mind into the things I planned.

But I figured that life can be compared to an ice cream. If you let it melt, it doesn't taste as good. :)

In case I don't see you... Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening!

Out of boredom and the lack of a stable internet connection in my hotel room, I was able to watch a 1998 film entitled "The Truman Show". I haven't watched TV for the longest time but I am glad that I did; I really enjoyed trying to figure this movie out.

This movie had me thinking of my own perceived reality of the world. What if this world isn't real? What if the things I believed to be true aren't? My life would be interesting but I think my life isn't synchronized enough to be a constructed reality TV show.

Hihihi. I wanted to put as much insight as I can, but it seems that my mind cannot work properly now. As always.